Why Boys and Girls Are Equal But Not the Same

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“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

  • You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
  • You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
  • Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
  • A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun or other weapon.
  • When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
  • Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
  • Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
  • If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
  • Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boy’s arm.
  • Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
  • By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
  • Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
  • Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Pokemon” movie three times in a row.
  • Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Upgrading to Boyfriend 4.0

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Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hog and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1.

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

  • An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don’t have to repeat myself)
  • MINIMIZE BUTTON
  • SHUTDOWN FEATURE
  • SHOPPING FUNCTION
  • A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won’t fall asleep after sex
  • A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
  • DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
  • A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it’s uninstalled it won’t come back
  • A MONOGAMY FEATURE
  • AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they’re about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid

Signs She is Bored Having Sex With You

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  • After you request sex she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”
  • Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
  • Actually answers when you ask “Who’s your daddy?”
  • Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
  • Only moans during commercial breaks.
  • Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
  • Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
  • Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
  • You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
  • Beginning to think she is only “playing” dead.
  • During the act, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.”
  • Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
  • Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
  • Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
  • Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
  • Boredom? So that’s why she keeps deflating!!
  • Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
  • Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
  • She yells out her own name.
  • Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Biological Differences

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Even though we can now explain differences between men and women’s social conducts genetically (that’s the best excuse I’ve heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet…for instance, can you explain why:

  • Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
  • Men drive to a party, women drive back.
  • Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals — once they are pointed out to them, by women.
  • Men have flu, women have colds.
  • Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
  • Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children’s sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and DE-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.
  • Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not. Women’s posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men’s do not.
  • A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy’s boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.
  • A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.
  • A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.
  • Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

Which is the Better Invention?

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: “I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.” — So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

Adam says: “Yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention :

  1. There is too much front end protrusion
  2. It chatters at high speeds
  3. The rear end wobbles too much
  4. and the intake is too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmmmm..” says Adam, “Hold on.” So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Bedtime Prayer for Women

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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
He’s not afraid to admit it when he’s wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won’t lose his cool when he’s annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, “How fat is my behind?”

One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin’.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.

Thank You in advance and now I’ll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it’s too late.

Amen.

Bedtime Prayer for Men

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As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.

One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!

One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.

Amen.

Basic Instructions for Women 101

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  • Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
  • Don’t imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers
  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
  • So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
  • If they put a man on the moon – why can’t they put them all there?
  • Tell him you are not his type – you have a pulse.
  • Never let your man’s mind wander – it is too little to be let out alone.
  • Go for younger men – you might as well, they never mature anyway.
  • Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  • Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
  • The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
  • Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  • A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night.’
  • Sadly, all men are created equal.
  • Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
  • The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of ‘former boyfriend.’
  • There are lots of words to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you can still use them.

Bad Things to Say on a Date

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There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a
date.

  • Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
  • I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
  • No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
  • I used to come here all the time with my ex.
  • I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.
  • Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

  • I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be, I wouldn’t
    have given someone like you a second look.

  • I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
  • It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Marriage Counselor

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  • Degree on the wall reads “Doctor of Swingology.”

  • Keeps repeating, “If you can’t change course, you must divorce.”

  • “I’m afraid there’s not much you can do with a penis that small.”

  • Her latest book: “Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin’ Bastards”

  • “Just shut up and screw” doesn’t seem like very good advice.

  • After you’ve earned enough “session points”, you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.

  • When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, “Prove it.”

  • “Communication, schmunication – let’s talk about ‘backdoor love’…”

  • “Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now.”

  • You quickly discover that his motto, “Don’t worry, be happy” is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language.

  • Always takes Hillary’s side.

  • In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.

  • Agrees with husband that a request to “honk on Bobo” is foreplay enough.

  • “Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whiny bitch.”

  • Her last name has six hyphens.