- Combating Stupidity
- You, too, can do housework
- PMS — Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
- How to fill an ice tray
- We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas — Give us money
- Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
- Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled “Don’t wash my silks”)
- Parenting — No, it doesn’t end with conception
- Get a life — learn to cook
- How not to act like an jerk when you’re obviously wrong
- Spelling — Even you can get it right
- Understanding your financial incompetence
- You — The Weaker Sex
- Reasons to give flowers
- How to stay awake after sex
- Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
- Garbage — Getting it to the curb
- You can fall asleep without “It” if you really try
- The morning dilemma if “It’s” awake. Take a shower
- I’ll wear it if I damn well please
- How to put the toilet lid down (formerly “No, it’s not a bidet”)
- “The weekend” and “sports” are not synonyms
- Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS
- How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
- The remote control — Overcoming your dependency
- Romanticism – Ideas other than sex
- Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
- Mother-in-laws — They are people, too
- Male bonding — Leaving your friends at home
- You too can be a designated driver
- Seeing the true you (formerly “No, you don’t look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!”)
- Changing your underwear — It really works
- Techniques for calling home
Hints for Choosing a Husband
When choosing a mate, compare these other professionals to Engineers
- DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession. - LAWYER
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. - SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Jerry Springer show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you. - HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker, Etc
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her. - TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man. - MINISTER
See Teacher and substitute the word “girls” with “boys”.
Why Chocolate is Better than Sex
- You can GET chocolate.
- “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
- If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
- Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
- The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
- You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
- You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
- You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
- Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- Good chocolate is easy to find.
- You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
- With chocolate size doesn’t matter.
The Chastity Belt
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
“This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I’m on a long quest?”
“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon
a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.”
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
When You Are Caught…
A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by your wife/girlfriend.
- I can’t believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
- Look at that guy… over there… behind the woman.
- I think that’s a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
- Isn’t that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn’t seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.
- I think that’s the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case
- Help me, I got something in my eye… can’t see a thing!
- I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!
- Hey that’s the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
- I know you’re probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her – since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
- Do you think she’s prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)
Care to Dance?
At the bar one night, a man approached one of the ladies standing near the edge of the dance floor. “Would you like to dance?” he asked.
The girl didn’t even look at him when she replied, “I don’t like this song, and even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”
The man immediately said, “Oh, I’m sorry, but you must have misunderstood me. I said, ‘You look fat in those pants.'”
How To Survive With Women
Treat Them Like Your Car!
- Give it a regular, thorough going over.
- Touch up the exterior.
- Rub it down nicely.
- Make sure it’s waxed regularly.
- Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting?
- Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
- Change the lubrication.
- Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
- Keep an eye out for bald patches.
- Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
- Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
- Check for spare tire and any handles.
- Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
- Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
- Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
- Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
- Ensure that it responds well to you when you’re in the driving seat.
- Make sure it’s always clean inside.
Bridge Building
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.” This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish”
The man sat and thought about it for awhile and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel No, think of another wish.”
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say nothing….know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”
Signs You Should Break Up
Signs you should break up with your boyfriend:
- He always scratches his crotch and says, “Damn! When is this gonna clear up?”
- He could use a contact lens as a condom.
- Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
- Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
- He refers to your little brother as a “real cutie.”
Signs you should break up with your girlfriend:
- She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
- She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
- Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
- Your friends know her by her porn name.
- She just can’t stand the taste of “it.”
The Key to Bra Sizes
Men, ya ever wonder what those bra cup size really mean? I’ve found the secret.
- A — “A”lmost boobs.
- B — “B”arely there.
- C — “C”an do.
- D — “D”amn good.
- E — “E”normous.
- F — “F”ake.
- G — “G”igantic.
- H — “H”umongous.
- I — “I”ncredible.