Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don’t get mad if you ‘touch and go.’
Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don’t mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s a bad thing.
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Cheerleader or, if she is PMSing, sees Fat, Pimples, UGLY! (“But MOM!!! I can’t go to school today looking like THIS!”)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “Too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” but decides she is going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, she is going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” and says “At least I am clean” and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and says, “I am.” and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability. Goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to do anything she damn well pleases. (That is if she’s still physically capable of doing so.)
You can’t change a man — unless he’s in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him the checkbook.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view.
When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary.
When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
UYFSOMWPOV
RCGWJWTW
JRLA
POJHFC
CWP
TOML
MSG S/G W/B M/F KOP WPFYB
RHMI
HAWGSOH
STLSM
WARSADAP
BWBWWTBAR
How… “Big”… Should a Man Be?
How…”Long”…Should a Man Last?
How Do I Know If I’m having an Orgasm?
What is a Multiple Orgasm?
What About Oral Sex?
What is Afterplay?
What is Impotence?
How Can I Keep the Mystery Alive?
How Can I Meet Real Men?
A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls … which are now ours again.
C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House … which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids … the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother F*cker!!!!!!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”
Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong … which you always were.
X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time..right?
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
(holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth…
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You’re good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
No, really… I do this part better myself!
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people..
You’re almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic – don’t you?
Q: You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don’t do toes!
You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
You mean you’re NOT my blind date?
We can get laid anytime we want
We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you’re drunk
We get out of speeding tickets by crying
We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
We can sleep our way to the top of the class
We get to shop at Victoria’s Secret
We can marry rich and then not have to work
We never have to pay when we go out on dates
Men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
Men light our cigarettes for us
Men hold the door open for us
We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
We’re cuter
We lie better
We’re better manipulators
We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
We always have food in the fridge
We don’t worry about losing our hair
We always get to choose the movie
We don’t have to mow the lawn
We don’t have to take out the garbage
We don’t have to paint the house or walls
PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
Cosmopolitan
We can con our way out of anything – not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
Men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
PMS is a legal defense for murder
Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
We can masturbate more in a day than men
2 words- multi orgasmic
We don’t have to constantly adjust our genitals
Sweat is sexy on us
We never run out of excuses
You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
Doggie style – that way we get to watch the game too
We get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
We can give “the look” that will make any man want to cower in the corner
Women are cleaner
Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn’t know)
We’re better arguers
We don’t always have to think with our genitals
Massage!!!!
We’re better parents
We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
There’s never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
We’re flexible
When women get pissed we don’t destroy property or hurt people – we just take it out on the world in general because we can
Menopause- thank god we’re not capable of having children after we’re 50
Menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say “no” to sex
Men in uniform
There is no penis envy
We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there’s no messy clean-up
It generally takes us less to get drunk
We have a higher tolerance to pain
We often get to cut in line
Most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON’T
Better tips
Women who don’t wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
We have mastered civilized eating – we don’t embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting – thank god for long pants and perfume!
We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
We don’t have excessive amounts of body hair
We don’t spend 45 minutes on the toilet
Men will pay us for sex
Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn’t make us sterile
We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
Women sweat less
Women smell better
When women make their boyfriends mad, we don’t have to waste money on flowers or cards – a blowjob and sex fixes all
Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
Women don’t get the humor in the three stooges
Women have three accessible holes
We don’t get embarrassed when buying tampons
We’re better gossips
We have better fashion sense
We’re better shoppers
We don’t have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
Our friends don’t pick on us if we aren’t sleeping with anyone
Men don’t know what our ‘girl talk’ is all about (and I’m not gonna tell you)
We’re all sitting on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
We don’t have to drive when on a date
An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable – ugly men are just fucked
Women can use the old “that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn” line
Women know how fake it
Women look better naked
We know that rhythm doesn’t only pertain to dancing
When women are short, we’re petite, when men are short, they’re just short
Women do less time for violent crime
Women don’t have to worry about not being able to get it up
An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
Women’s conversations generally consist of more than just “uh huh, yep, ok, then bye”
Women don’t need an excuse to be in a bad mood
Women never have to see combat
The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
Women are sexier
We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work….more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
ESPN’s sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell you friends you’ve changed.
Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “F*#k it!”
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.
Post navigation
error: Content is protected !!