Category Archives: Regional

You Know You’re Born and Raised in Small-Town Idaho When…

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  • During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
  • You are related to more than half the town.
  • You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
  • Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.
  • Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
  • You don’t buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
  • You don’t put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
  • There’s a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
  • The local gas station sells live bait.
  • You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.
  • You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.
  • You’re on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
  • When little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.
  • You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
  • All your radio-preset buttons are country.
  • You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.
  • Using the elevator involves a grain truck.
  • Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
  • You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
  • You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
  • Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
  • You know cow pies aren’t made of beef.
  • You wake up when it’s dark and go to bed when it’s still light.
  • You listen to “Paul Harvey” every day at noon.
  • You can tell it’s a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
  • Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code.
  • You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.
  • You know the code names for everyone on the CB.
  • You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
  • You wear your boots to church.
  • It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it’s clear across town.
  • You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.
  • The meaning of true love is that you’ll ride in the tractor with him.
  • You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.
  • Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
  • You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles away.

You Know You’re In Phoenix When…

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  • You buy salsa by the gallon.
  • Your Christmas decorations includes a half a yard of sand and l00 paper bags.
  • You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
  • All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
  • You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
  • Most of the restaurants in town have the first name “El” or “Los”.
  • You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
  • You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can’t remember the name of the incumbent.
  • Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
  • You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.
  • You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
  • Every other vehicle is a 4×4.
  • Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
  • People break out coats when temperature drops below 70.
  • The pool can be warmer than you are.
  • Most homes have more firearms than people.
  • Kids will ask, “What’s a mosquito?”
  • People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
  • The AC Service Man is on your list of best friends.
  • Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.
  • You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
  • The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
  • You can (correctly) pronounce the words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San Xavier”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and “Ajo”.

You Know You Are Italian When…

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  • You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
  • Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a’76 Monte Carlo.
  • You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
  • Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
  • You consider dunking a pack of “S” cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
  • Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
  • Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just do me” tank top.
  • At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
  • All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
  • A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of “professore” among your aunts.
  • You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
  • If someone in your family grown beyond 5’6″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.
  • There are more than 24 people in your bridal party.
  • You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
  • 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say, “Pronto,” when answering the phone.
  • You are offended when the wedding you attend serves fewer than 3 fish courses.
  • Of course you own more than 2 homes…
  • You have an Un-Godly fear of wooden spoons.
  • Someone in your family has a nickname after an ethnically Italian food (i.e., Pasta, Meatball, etc.).
  • No matter how long you’ve been married, your wife “just can’t make homemade sauce like Mom did.”

It Has To Be California!

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  • You make over $250,000 a year and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
  • The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  • Your plumber can’t make it today because he has an audition for a movie role.
  • Instead of your newspaper arriving in a plastic bag on rainy days, it’s gift wrapped.
  • Thanks to modern medicine, the senior citizens look younger than you do!
  • Shake-N-Bake has a whole new meaning!

Kansas Tourism Council Bulletin

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This list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

  • That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you’ll do all week at the gym. How’d you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
  • It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
  • We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
  • Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked…by our women.
  • Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for…bait.
  • Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  • If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
  • That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.
  • The Jayhawks and the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks…and a dang sight more fun to watch.
  • No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
  • You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
  • So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
  • Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
  • Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
  • Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
  • They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways-35 goes the other two. Pick one.

  • The “Opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
    You can get breakfast at the church.

  • So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
  • No, we can’t shoot the meadowlarks. They’re song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.

Signs You’ve Been in Leeds Too Long

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  • You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds.
  • You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing.
  • You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water- and taking five hours to drink it.
  • Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
  • Gents: you act like a wanker from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
  • You’ll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much something will be in the end of season sale.
  • You go around Harvey Nicks to see what’s in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar – and then lie about where you got it from.
  • You see Leeds United players beating someone up/slagging a blonde in Majestyk and don’t think anything of it.
  • You think Londoners are ponces and that London is ‘crap’, but you’ve never been as you can’t afford the fare, and mum won’t let you borrow the mini.
  • You hate students – even though you are one.
  • Leeds is the centre of your universe – you can’t ever imagine leaving. Until you leave, then you can’t ever imagine going back.

Signs You’ve Been in Liverpool Too Long

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  • You have an urge to steal.
  • You think Brookside is a ‘glamorous’ soap.
  • You think Hollyoaks is ‘posh’.
  • You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
  • You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.
  • To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
  • You start to cry when you hear ‘Ferry cross the Mersey’.
  • You think that Albert Dock is ‘for the tourists’. What tourists?
  • You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humor.
  • You often wonder why you don’t hear of many Scouse comedians any more.

Signs You’ve Been in Manchester Too Long

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  • You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says ‘mad fer it’. “Nobody says that EVER!” you scream.
  • You say ‘mad fer it’ when back in Manchester.
  • You think fisherman’s hats are attractive.
  • You support Man City out of principle.
  • You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
  • You think Londoners are ‘soft southern wankers’… until they kick your head in at a footie match.
  • You get a freckle and consider yourself ‘suntanned’.
  • You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
  • You won’t pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
  • People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
  • Zzzzzzz.

You Might be From Michigan…

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  • If you define summer as three months of bad sledding.
  • If you think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.
  • If you can identify an Ohio accent.
  • If your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack of Strohs and a bucket of smelt.
  • If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.
  • If you know someone from Porch Yeurn.
  • If you know what a “Yooper” is.
  • If your car rusts out before you need the brakes done
  • If you know what a panczki is.
  • If half the people you know say they are from Detroit, yet you don’t personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit.
  • If the Big Mac is something you drive across.
  • If you believe “Down South” refers to Toledo.
  • If “Up North” means north of Clare.
  • If you drive 75 on the highway and always pass on the right.
  • If your little league baseball game has ever been snowed out.
  • If you know what a pastie is.
  • If you knew how to drive a boat before you learned to ride a bicycle.
  • If you know Mackinac rhymes with Mackinaw.
  • If you occasionally cheer “Go Lions-and take the Tigers with you.”
  • If the word “Thumb” brings to mind a geographical rather than an anatomical definition.
  • If you’ve ever experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
  • If you expect Vernor’s when you order Ginger Ale.
  • If you know that Kalamazoo not only actually exists, but isn’t too far from Hell.
  • If your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the first day of deer season.
  • If your snowmobile and fishing boat have big block Chevy engines.
  • If either your Mother or Father disowns you for the week of the Michigan-Michigan State game.
  • If your year has two seasons-winter and construction.
  • If you know what a millage is.
  • If traveling coast-to-coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
  • If half of the change in your pocket is Canadian.
  • If you point to the palm of your right hand when explaining to people where you grew up.
  • If you call Lake Michigan the West Coast.
  • If your definition of a small town is one that doesn’t have a lake
  • If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!)
  • If snow tires come standard on all your cars.
  • If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
  • If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
  • If you don’t understand what the big deal about Chicago is.
  • If someone asks you if you’ve been to Europe and you answer, “No, but I’ve been to Ann Arbor”.
  • If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.
  • If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.
  • If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
  • If you think “going up north” would be a great vacation….in January.
  • If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as “trolls” or “lopers”.
  • If the “Big Three” can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino’s, Little Ceasers’s and Hungry Howie’s.
  • If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.
  • If you had to get a passport to go to Ohio.
  • If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.
  • If your kid’s baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out.
  • If the trees in your backyard have spigots.
  • If you know that a place called “Kalamazoo” really exists.
  • If you bake with “soda” and drink “pop”.
  • If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
  • If your favorite hockey team’s mascot is an octopus.
  • If you have a favorite hockey team.
  • If you don’t have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor’s.
  • If you know how to play Euchre.
  • If you know how to pronounce Euchre.
  • If you see nothing wrong with watching fireworks in Detroit on July 2nd.
  • If you find yourself incapable of throwing cans and bottles away when you are in another state.
  • If you use the term “party store” to describe a store where you buy snacks, beer and liquor.
  • If you know how to pronounce Sault Ste. Marie.
  • If you get excited about turning 19.
  • If you or your child has ever watched Sesame Street in French.
  • If you’ve used the term “Yooper.”
  • If you’ve heard the band “Da Yoopers.”
  • If you know the words to any song by Da Yoopers.
  • If you’ve ever told someone that your move to Alpena was a move to “a big city”.
  • If you’ve totaled more than three cars bagging a deer.
  • If you met your spouse in a bowling alley.
  • If you can’t understand why the government feels threatened by the Freemen.
  • If Paradise and Climax are not states but towns to you.
  • If you know that Kazoo is not a toy, but a town (who actually calls it Kalamazoo anyway?).
  • If you refer to Ann Arbor as A2.

Tips for Northerners Moving South

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  • Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
  • If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.
  • Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
  • If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  • Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
  • Do not buy food at the movie store.
  • If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
  • Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
  • There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
  • Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
  • People walk slower here.
  • Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
  • The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’

    boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

  • The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
  • Be advised: The “He needed killin'” defense is valid here.
  • If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
  • If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
  • Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
  • Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
  • The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
  • If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
  • Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
  • Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
  • Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
  • In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also here expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.
  • As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
  • You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.