- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
- There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
- Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
- People walk slower here.
- Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’
boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The “He needed killin'” defense is valid here.
- If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
- The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
- Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
- In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also here expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Tag Archives: Northerner
You Might Be a Yankee if….
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
- You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
- You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don’t know what a moon pie is.
- You’ve never had grain alcohol.
- You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
- You eat fried chicken with knife and fork.
- You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- When ever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
- You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don’t have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same pre-school.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
- You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
- You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- You call binoculars opera glasses.
- You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
- You don’t know what applique is.
- Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
- You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Jim Bob, Billy Bob, Bob Bob).
- You don’t have any doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
- You’ve never been to a craft show.
- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.