‘Twas the Night Before Christmas Italian Style

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”

When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin’ reindeer!

Wit’ slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me ‘side da head.

“What da hell you doin’
Pullin’ a gun on da Don?
Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,
You friggin’ moron!”

Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin’,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!”

You Know You Are Italian When…

  • You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
  • Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a’76 Monte Carlo.
  • You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
  • Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
  • You consider dunking a pack of “S” cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
  • Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
  • Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just do me” tank top.
  • At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
  • All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
  • A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of “professore” among your aunts.
  • You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
  • If someone in your family grown beyond 5’6″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.
  • There are more than 24 people in your bridal party.
  • You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
  • 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say, “Pronto,” when answering the phone.
  • You are offended when the wedding you attend serves fewer than 3 fish courses.
  • Of course you own more than 2 homes…
  • You have an Un-Godly fear of wooden spoons.
  • Someone in your family has a nickname after an ethnically Italian food (i.e., Pasta, Meatball, etc.).
  • No matter how long you’ve been married, your wife “just can’t make homemade sauce like Mom did.”