It Has To Be California!

  • You make over $250,000 a year and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
  • The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  • Your plumber can’t make it today because he has an audition for a movie role.
  • Instead of your newspaper arriving in a plastic bag on rainy days, it’s gift wrapped.
  • Thanks to modern medicine, the senior citizens look younger than you do!
  • Shake-N-Bake has a whole new meaning!

Changes in California Under Governor Schwarzenegger

  • “Hooked on Accents” is implemented in school systems statewide.
  • Women’s buttocks must be minimally covered with a regular bikini bottom or Governor Arnold’s hand.
  • So many liberals flee the state that it actually lifts up out of the sea.
  • Swearing-in ceremony followed by an invitation-only executive-branch orgy.
  • Democrats suddenly develop a much deeper appreciation for the right to recall elected officials.
  • “Your incomes — give them to me.”
  • Gray Davis will be returned to the petrified forest from whence he came.
  • All female employees in the Statehouse are referred to as “Pat” and “Fanny.”
  • California Department of Food and Agriculture now classifies steroids as a vegetable.
  • As part of a “family first” agenda, he works to get dear ol’ Dad’s Nazi party back on the ballot.
  • The governor’s televised speeches have subtitles for those who speak Spanish and English.
  • Two words: flab tax
  • Statewide, the fourth Thursday in November is officially renamed “Danksgiffin.”
  • Not only kisses babies, but gropes their moms, too.

[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Driving in California

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school:

  • Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
  • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
  • Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    A: Your car.
  • Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
  • Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
  • Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if s/he is cute.
  • Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.
  • Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.
  • Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

  • Name:______________
  • Stage name: ________________

  • Agent: ______________

  • Attorney: __________________

  • Sex:
      ___ male
      ___ female
      ___ formerly male
      ___ formerly female
      ___ both

  • If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

  • Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

  • Occupation:
    [   ] Lawyer
    [   ] Actor/Waiter
    [   ] Film-maker/Self-employed
    [   ] Writer
    [   ] Car Dealer
    [   ] Panhandler
    [   ] Agent
    [   ] Hooker/Transvestite
    [   ] Other; please explain: ______________
  • Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:______
    Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: $_______

  • Please list:
    Brand of cell phone: __________.
    (If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

  • Please check haircolor:
    Females: [   ] Blonde [   ] Platinum Blonde
    Teenagers: [   ] Purple [   ] Blue [   ] Skinhead
    Men: Please list shade of hairplugs:______________
  • Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
    [   ] Eating a wrap
    [   ] Applying make-up
    [   ] Talking on the phone
    [   ] Slapping kids in the backseat
    [   ] Having sex
    [   ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [   ] Tanning
    [   ] Snorting cocaine
    [   ] Watching TV
    [   ] Reading Variety
    [   ] Surfing the net via laptop

  • Please indicate how many times:
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
    b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

  • If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
    a) Call the police to report the crime
    b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
    c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
    d) Call your therapist
    e) None of the above (South Central resident)

  • Please indicate if you drive:
    a) a Beamer
    b) a Lexus
    c) a Mercedes, or
    d) Cabriolet
    If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
    normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

  • In the event of an earthquake, should you:
    a) stop your car,
    b) keep driving and hope for the best,
    c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
    d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

  • In the instance of rain, you should:
    a) never drive over 5 MPH,
    b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
    c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

  • Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

  • Are you presently taking any of the following medications:
    a) Prozac
    b) Zovirax
    c) Lithium
    d) Xanax
    e) If none, please explain: __________________.

  • Length of daily commute:
    a) 1 hour;
    b) 2 hours;
    c) 3 hours;
    d) 4 hours or more.

  • When stopped by police, should you
    a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
    b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
    c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?