- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
- And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- Uh-oh.
- I don’t know where that came from! Just put it over there.
- Better crank up that anesthesia.
- I don’t think that was supposed to come off.
- Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won’t pay for the rest.
- Well, it’s five o’clock! We’ll just put this off till tomorrow.
- Hey….maybe the janitor knows what this is.
- Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks.
Category Archives: Medical
More Drugs in Development
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to re-dress the balance:
- MIRRORCILLIN — A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
- STOPPANAGGIN — Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
- COSMOPOLIRA — Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing “facts” in trash lifesytle magazines to be disputed.
- LOGICON — Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as “you dont’t love me anymore”.
- PARKATRON –72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Festiva into a space only 12 metres long, 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
- MAGNATACK — Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
- WARDROBIA — Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a “sale” notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
- BEERINTULIN — Engenders a females desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
Don’t Anger the Nurse!
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a daffodil, anyway.”
Doctor Doctor
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch! - Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it! - Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache. - Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
Doctor: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the… - Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doctor: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST? - Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises! - Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
Doctor: So what’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak! - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bridge!
Doctor: What’s come over you?
2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train. - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards!
Doctor: I’ll deal with you later. - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle!
Doctor: I see your point. - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
Doctor: Pull yourself together man! - Doctor, Doctor I have 59 seconds to live!
Doctor: Wait a minute will ya!
What Doctors Say…
…..and what they’re really thinking
- “This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. - “Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue. - “Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. - “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit. - “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it. - “Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. - “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab. - “I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. - “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. - “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. - “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up. - “This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues. - “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? - “This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. - “Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all. - “I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. - “Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…” - “There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this. - “If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!
Signs You May Be Suffering From Depression
- You’ve got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.
- You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.”
- You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.
- You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
- Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.
- On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
- You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.
- Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
- Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.
- You’ve cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your eyeballs.
Looking for a Cure for Cancer
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: “In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer.”
She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look.
Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
Creative Medical Terms
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper”.
Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.”
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.”
Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.”
The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen”, nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge”.
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.
Sincerely,
Director of Human Resources
You Know You’ve Joined a Cheap New HMO When…
- Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
- The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
- Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
- The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
- With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
- You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
- Exam room has a tip jar.
- You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
- The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
- Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
- Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
- Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park,”
- 24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.
- Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
At the Baseball Game
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.
When the Recreational Director said: “If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?” The General Director agreed.
The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:
“Stand up, nuts!” Everyone stood up.
“Sit down, nuts!” Everyone sat down.
“Look behind you, nuts!” Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.
About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: “Peanuts!”