- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Tag Archives: doctors
Is It Serious?
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!”
What Doctors Say…
…..and what they’re really thinking
- “This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. - “Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue. - “Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. - “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit. - “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it. - “Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. - “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab. - “I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. - “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. - “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. - “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up. - “This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues. - “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? - “This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. - “Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all. - “I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. - “Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…” - “There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this. - “If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!