Alarming Trend

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000
Accidental deaths per physicians…..0.171
Source: US Dept. of Health and Human Services

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year ( all age groups): 1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT : Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

Remember: Guns don’t kill people, doctors do!

Baby Problems

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

“Here’s the problem”, the Dr. said, “He needs to be changed!”

The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!

Signs You Need a New Doctor

  • He calls you at two in the morning “just to talk.”
  • Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
  • He keeps accidentally referring to himself as “the defendant.”
  • After examining you, he says, “Now do me.”
  • He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
  • He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as “drumsticks.”
  • His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
  • He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, “Doctor Jim Beam.”
  • Before surgery, he asks if you want this “to go.”
  • He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.

Hungry Baby?

A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Oh…he is breast fed!”, replied the woman.

“Well then, strip down to your waist,” orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the exam table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, “No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!”

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds…”Well of course I don’t. I’m his aunt – but I’m SURE GLAD I brought him in!”

The Dangers of a Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax… Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”

Doctor Doctor

  • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
    Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
    But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
  • Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
    Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
    Not really – I spill most of it!
  • Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
    Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.
  • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
    Doctor: When did this start?
    Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…
  • Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
    Doctor: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
  • Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
    Doc: I never make rash promises!
  • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
    Doctor: So what’s wrong with that?
    I think I’m going to croak!
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bridge!
    Doctor: What’s come over you?
    2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards!
    Doctor: I’ll deal with you later.
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle!
    Doctor: I see your point.
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
    Doctor: Pull yourself together man!
  • Doctor, Doctor I have 59 seconds to live!
    Doctor: Wait a minute will ya!

A Short History of Medicine

…….”Doctor, I have an earache.”

  • 2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
  • 1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
  • 1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
  • 1920 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
  • 1975 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
  • 2006 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

It Hurts All Over

A blonde goes to the doctor and tells him she hurts all over. “When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts.”

The doctor just shakes his head and asks, “You’re a natural blond, aren’t you?”

The woman smiles and says, “Why, yes I am. How did you know?”

The doctor replies, “Because your finger is broken.”