Viagra and its Proposed Cousins

Viagra: The drug from Pfizer, which is currently being prescribed to increase sexual performance. It works by rushing blood to the genitals. With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society.

  • DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
  • PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
  • CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.
  • COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
  • BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
  • NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
  • NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
  • FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
  • FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
  • PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into”special prosecutors.”
  • LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Gingko Viagra

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company now. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

More Drugs in Development

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to re-dress the balance:

  • MIRRORCILLIN — A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
  • STOPPANAGGIN — Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
  • COSMOPOLIRA — Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing “facts” in trash lifesytle magazines to be disputed.
  • LOGICON — Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as “you dont’t love me anymore”.
  • PARKATRON –72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Festiva into a space only 12 metres long, 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
  • MAGNATACK — Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
  • WARDROBIA — Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a “sale” notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
  • BEERINTULIN — Engenders a females desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.