Doctor Doctor

  • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
    Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
    But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
  • Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
    Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
    Not really – I spill most of it!
  • Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
    Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.
  • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
    Doctor: When did this start?
    Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…
  • Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
    Doctor: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
  • Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
    Doc: I never make rash promises!
  • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
    Doctor: So what’s wrong with that?
    I think I’m going to croak!
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bridge!
    Doctor: What’s come over you?
    2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards!
    Doctor: I’ll deal with you later.
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle!
    Doctor: I see your point.
  • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
    Doctor: Pull yourself together man!
  • Doctor, Doctor I have 59 seconds to live!
    Doctor: Wait a minute will ya!

Creative Medical Terms

TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper”.

Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.”

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.”

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.”

Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.”

The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen”, nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge”.

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Director of Human Resources

At the Baseball Game

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.

When the Recreational Director said: “If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?” The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:

“Stand up, nuts!” Everyone stood up.

“Sit down, nuts!” Everyone sat down.

“Look behind you, nuts!” Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.

About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: “Peanuts!”