You Know You’ve Joined a Cheap New HMO When…

  • Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
  • The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
  • The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
  • Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
  • “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
  • The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
  • With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
  • You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
  • Exam room has a tip jar.
  • You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
  • The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
  • Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
  • Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
  • Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park,”
  • 24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.
  • Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.