The check is in the mail.
I’ll respect you in the morning.
I’m from your government, and I am here to help you.
It’s only a cold sore.
You get this one, I’ll pay next time.
My wife doesn’t understand me.
Trust me, I’ll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
…but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Don’t worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on “empty.”
I gave at the office.
Don’t worry, he’s never bitten anyone.
I’ll call you later.
We’ll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
I’ve never done anything like this before
Now, I’m going to tell you the truth
It’s supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new <hat/haircut/dress/suit…>!
…then take a left. You can’t miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don’t worry, it’s OK — I’m sterile…
Just take a left after the lights — you can’t miss it.
I am married, but we’re getting a divorce.
Just ignore him — he’s never bitten anyone.
Nothing would please me more.
660 — Approximate number of The Beast
DCLXVI — Roman numeral of The Beast
666.000000 — Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 — Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 — Beast Common Denominator
0.005015 — Reciprical of the Beast.
666i — Imaginary number of The Beast
1010011010 — Binary number of The Beast
443556 — Square of the Beast
2.8235 — Log of the beast
6.5913 — Ln Beast
1.738E289 — Anti-log of the beast
6.66E2 –Scientific number of the Beast
29A — Hexadecimal number of the Beast
666! — Factorial of the Beast
6, uh… what was that number again? — Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 — Area code of The Beast
00666 — Zip code of The Beast
Mailto://666@hell.org — E-mail address of the beast
http://www.666.org.html — web-page of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 — Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 — Retail price of The Beast
$55.50 — Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly installments
$699.25 — Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 — Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 — WalMart price of The Beast
$646.66 — Next week’s WalMart price of The Beast
Phillips 666 — Gasoline of The Beast
Route 666 — Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
666 Minutes — Weekly news program about the Beast
666 F — Oven temperature for roast Beast
664 & 668 – Neighbours of the Beast
666k — Retirement plan of The Beast
666 mg — Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % — 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 — Spreadsheet of The Beast
Word 6.66 — Word Processor of The Beast
i66686 — CPU of The Beast
666-I — BMW of The Beast
665.99999973 — Intel Pentium number of the Beast
666 Sunset Strip — Old T. V. series about the Beast soon on Nick-At-Nite
DSM-666 (revised) — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast
Windows 666 — Bill Gates’ personal Beast
Shapiro the Snake
Wheezy the Emphysemic Rat
Tapey the Worm
Limpy the Octopalegic Centipede
Roadkill the Dog
Zsa Zsa the Boar
Retchy the Wino
Newtie the Embattled House Speaker
The Antelope Formerly Known as Prince
Truman Coyote
Hooters the Exotic Dancer
Spanky the Monkey
Dolly the Sheep and Dolly the Sheep
Sucker the Beanie Baby Collector
L’Orange the Duck
When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out.
Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.
If you run a bath too hot, you don’t realize this until you sit in the other end and burn your rear end.
It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with your foot.
When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap.
The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above.
The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.
Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.
When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash.
However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put your clothes on.
You Are Different, and That’s Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad’s New Wife, Robert
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
Bobby Was So Bad His Mom Stopped Loving Him
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That’s it, I’m Putting You up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? A See-for-Yourself Book
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Too much noise in the hallways to whisper sweet nothings to your TurtleDove.
Just as you reach the peak of sexual passion, your Snookums rolls out of bed.
Cold water on the stateroom floor takes the fun out of anything kinky.
The sirens and whistles make it hard to concentrate onlove-making.
Moaning and screaming all around you makes you feel sexually inadequate.
You paid for a stateroom on a lower deck, but the lifeboats are hanging just outside your cabin window.
No one will lend you a life preserver – the one thing you need to win the scavenger hunt!
You dressed for dinner, but your shipmates come to the dining room wearing pajamas and nighties.
It’s time for your mambo lesson, but the band won’t stop playing “Rock of Ages”.
You need ice for drinks – your steward sends you up to the top deck with an ice pick.
Charmin: “Butt… Wipe… Err.”
Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”
Eggs: “The Incredible Edible Ovum.”
MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”
Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid!”
Iguana: “The other green meat.”
Penis Enlargement Specialists: “It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing!”
Nike: “Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”
Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”
Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!”
Pepto Bismol: “Squash the Squirts!”
Trojans: “Just add meat.”
Apple MacIntosh: “Hey, we thought of it first!”
Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!”
Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”
His body was hard — not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.
Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
…then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign — yet she could NOT!
He tore open her blouse like a Publisher’s Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.
Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle’s adoring gaze.
Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.
Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.
With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. “Starbuck!” I cried.
His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.
CEO stops by to use your computer because his electricity’s been turned off again.
Company made solely up of former AARP executives.
Merrill Lynch just downgraded the stock from “Sell” to “Tax Write-Off.”
Your profits? 404 — Not Found
Prospectus states: “YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A STOCKHOLDER!”
Their big idea: eHaircuts
Their Lead Programmer is reasonably attractive & has 20/20 vision.
IPO consists of 12 shares and a free CD and is underwritten by MC Hammer.
At shareholder meeting you’re asked to wear a mouse pad as a name tag.
In “Pirates of Silicon Valley”, company CEO was played by that “Ernest” guy.
Their price-to-earnings ratio is higher than Marion Barry in a DEA evidence room.
Good: Team of young, enthusiastic go-getters;
The Coast Guard is involved.
The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
Pastor wears scuba gear.
As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”
The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”.
You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”
The pastor can’t get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
Two Words: Alka Seltzer
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