Signs You’re at a Bad Baptism

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  • The Coast Guard is involved.
  • The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
  • Pastor wears scuba gear.
  • As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”
  • The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”.
  • You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”
  • The pastor can’t get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
  • The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
  • Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
  • Two Words: Alka Seltzer