You Might Be a Ho When…

  • You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
  • Arsenio touches your knee.
  • Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
  • Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
  • You become a vaseline spokesperson.
  • Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
  • The EPA comes looking for you.
  • You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
  • Frederik actaully comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
  • When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
  • When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
  • You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
  • You are the headquarters for the CDC.
  • Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
  • When they change your # to 976.
  • Tetracycline is your best friend.
  • McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
  • It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
  • Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
  • When you’ve got a “Take a NUmber” machine at your door.
  • When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
  • When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
  • When getting dresses is not part of your day.
  • Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
  • When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
  • When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
  • When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
  • When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
  • When your ceiling mirrors fog.
  • When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
  • On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
  • When the word Slalom gets you excited.
  • When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
  • When you have a neon sign saying “open all night”.
  • You want to have your name changed to Misty.
  • Madonna comes to you for pointers.
  • You start to think of youself as Smurfette.
  • You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
  • When sunlight scares you.
  • When your favorite quote is “next please”.
  • You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
  • When Susan Sarandon envies you.
  • When Guiness Book starts calling.
  • When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
  • When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
  • When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
  • When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
  • When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
  • Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
  • The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
  • When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
  • The Big Dipper looks inviting.
  • When soft foods have become distasteful.
  • White sauce is a staple in your diet.
  • When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
  • When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
  • When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
  • When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
  • You and Prince have already made 3 records.
  • When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.

The Worst Opening Lines in Books

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books of the entries.

Some recent winners:

  • “As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.”
  • “Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.”
  • “With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.”
  • “Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: “Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.”
  • “Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon — to become the woman he loved.”
  • “Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.”
  • “Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.”
  • “Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word “fear,” a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death– in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

  • “The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the toad’s deception, screaming madly, “You lied!”

Honorable Mentions:

  • “The horizon coughed up the morning sun much as if Atlas had lowered the world from his mighty shoulders and given it the Heimlich maneuver.”
  • “This is almost worth the high blood pressure!” he thought as yet another mosquito exploded.”
  • “Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon–to become the woman he loved.”
  • “Thadump, thadump, thadump, the incessant pounding of Marge’s breast against his forehead was aggravating, but Lars wasn’t about to complain, for this was the closest he’d ever been to a real woman.”
  • “Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.”
  • “It was Sammy Slug’s first day of school, and was he ever excited!–because he’d meet lots of other little worms, but he had to watch out for salt crossing the street on his way to school, his mother said, because if the patrol slug waved him and his glob of little friends across the busy, dangerous street that had been salted because of the snow, before Sammy knew it his little body would be sucked dry, and his poor mama would never see Sammy drag his slime across her doorstep again.”
  • “As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.”

Ways Security at the Los Alamos Lab Can Be Tightened

The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in which top secret info has been misplaced or stolen.

  • Ask Pirate Bay to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download HotList.
  • All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
  • All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable “Ig-pay Atin-lay” format.
  • Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
  • “Accidental” radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
  • Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
  • Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the “15th foreign national who calls right now!”
  • Janitors Boris and Mao swear that “Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!”
  • Immediately suspend “you break it, you bought it” policy on hard drives.
  • Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
  • All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
  • A) “Accidentally” leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler.
    B) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
  • Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
  • Visitors answering the guard’s challenge with “Foe” now required to sign guest book before entry.
  • Security guards limited to one “WHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUP!” walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
  • Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
  • “Shave and a Haircut” knock replaced with more secure “My Sharona” knock.
  • From now on, all security guards must pass the new “Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground” test.

The 3 Biggest Lies

  • 3 Biggest Software Lies
    • The program’s fully tested and bugfree.
    • We’re working on the documentation.
    • Of course we can modify it.
  • 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies
    • As long as you remember to ‘SAVE’ your input, you’ll never lose any files.
    • We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
    • The new machines on order.
  • 3 Biggest Large Company Lies
    • We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
    • People are our greatest resource.
    • We say ‘let the marketplace decide’.
  • 3 Biggest Small Company Lies
    • We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
    • The boss is just one of the guys.
    • Staying small is a conscious decision.
  • 3 Biggest Marketing Lies
    • Immediate delivery?…No problem.
    • We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
    • We’re going out to lunch to talk business.
  • 3 Biggest Engineering Professor’s Lies
    • Some day this course will come in handy.
    • These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
    • This is the way they do it in industry.
  • 3 Biggest Executive Lies
    • Money…it’s just a score card.
    • If it were up to me, there’d be no assigned parking spaces.
    • You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
  • 3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies
    • There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates.
    • You’ll make lots of money in your proffessional career.
    • The general public respect Physicists.
  • 3 Biggest student teacher lies
    • The school will help and support you all they can.
    • This teaching course is interesting and stimulating.
    • Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.
  • 3 Biggest advertising lies
    • This product will taste as good as it looks.
    • You really need our product.
    • If you use our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.
  • 3 Biggest mail order lies
    • Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it.
    • If you’re not satisfied with our product we will guarentee a full refund.
    • We offer repair of your product free of charge with an accredited repairer in your home State.
  • 3 Biggest retail industry lies
    • Our staff are courteous and considerate.
    • We try to help you with your problem.
    • You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you’re not satisfied with.
  • 3 Biggest politician lies
    • I’ll be factual and to the point.
    • I’ll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
    • The government doesn’t waste taxpayers money.
  • 3 Biggest parent lies
    • We’re doing this for your own interest.
    • You can have that (do that) later (when you’re older).
    • The family can’t afford it now.
  • 3 Biggest supermodels lies
    • Women normally look like that.
    • Women should look like that.
    • Fasting and dieting is good for your health.
  • 3 Biggest beer ads lies
    • Drinking beer is for macho men only.
    • You’ll meet good lifelong friends drinking beer in a bar.
    • Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.
  • 3 Biggest life lies
    • ..and they lived happily ever after.
    • Dying is painless.
    • Things have gotten so bad that they couldn’t possibly get worse.

Excerpts from Landlords’ Letters

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords…

  • “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
  • “I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
  • “This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
  • “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
  • “I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
  • “Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
  • “Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
  • “Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.”
  • “Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”
  • “When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”


Mike McGovern, a writer, objected to having a destructive hurricane named after his sweet niece, Emily. So in next day’s NY Times, he submitted the following list of more appropriate hurricane names and how these storms might behave:

  • Hurricane Clinton – Moves right, then left again

  • Hurricane Powell – Heads directly for the White House
  • Hurricane Bush – Completely misses Middle America
  • Hurricane Perot – Small but annoying
  • Hurricane Dole – Eliminates roads, bridges and schools; spares only Kansas
  • Hurricane Madonna – Leaves clothes strewn everywhere
  • Hurricane Oprah – Gets smaller, then bigger again
  • Hurricane Wallace – Hard-hitting but lasts only 60 minutes
  • Hurricane Heidi – Blows the lid off Hollywood studios
  • Hurricane Jordan – Stops abruptly at its peak
  • Hurricane Dykstra – Devastates Atlanta and Toronto
  • Hurricane Foreman – Devours everything in sight
  • Hurricane Steinbrenner – Threatens to move towards New Jersey
  • Hurricane Trump – Uproots giant maples
  • Hurricane Obama – Never leaves the golf course

Dear Milkman…

  • “Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.”
  • “Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.”
  • “Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”
  • “Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”
  • “Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.”
  • “Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”
  • “When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
  • “Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.”
  • “My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”
  • “Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.”
  • “Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.”
  • “From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”
  • “My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”
  • “Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”
  • “When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.
  • “No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”
  • “Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”

Classified Ads

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

  • free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
  • free puppies:
    1/2 cocker spaniel
    1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog
  • free puppies…part german shepherd part stupid dog
  • German shepherd 85 lbs.
    Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
  • found: dirty white dog.
    Looks like a rat…
    Been out awhile..
    Better be reward.
  • 1 man, 7 woman hot tub — $850/offer
  • Amana washer $100.
    Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
  • snow blower for sale…
    Only used on snowy days.
  • 2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
    1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
  • tickle me elmo, still in box,
    comes with its own 1988 mustang,
    5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
  • cows, calves never bred…
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.
  • 83 toyota hunchback — $2000
  • star wars job of the hut — $15
  • soft & genital bath tissues or
    facial tissue 89 cents
  • full sized mattress.
    20 yr. Warranty.
    Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • free 1 can of pork & beans with
    purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
  • for sale:
    lee majors (6 million dollar man) – $50
  • nordic track $300
    hardly used, call chubby
  • bill’s septic cleaning
    “we haul American made products”
  • shakespeare’s pizza – free chopsticks
  • hummels – largest selection ever
    “if it’s in stock, we have it!”
  • get a little john:
    the traveling urinal
    holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
  • harrisburg postal employees
    gun club
  • georgia peaches
    california grown
    89 cents lb.
  • nice parachute:
    never opened – used once
    slightly stained
  • free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
  • american flag
    60 stars – pole included
  • tired of working for only $9.75
    per hour? We offer profit
    sharing and flexible hours.
    Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.
  • exercise equipment:
    queen size mattress and box springs
  • our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% italian leather.
  • joining nudist colony!
    Must sell washer and dryer
  • lawyer says client is not that guilty.
  • alzheimer’s center prepares for an affair to remember
  • gas cloud clears out taco bell.
  • open housebody shapers toning salon
    free coffee and donuts
  • fully cooked boneless
    smoked man
    $2.09 lb

Blended Magazines

  • Hot Rod McCalls
    A monthly magazine geared for wives and girlfriends of automobile enthusiasts who want to dress in the latest fashions when going to the Auto Show.
  • Reader’s Digestive System Review
    A periodical devoted to presenting condensations of new research and reviews gleaned
    from internal medicine and gastroenterology journals.
  • Southern Living Field and Strems
    A tastefully done periodical presenting a wide variety of tips for women living in the
    southern US covering topics from quilting, to traditional home decorating, to how to field dress the deer carcass your husband brings home.
  • Car and Driver TIME
    Targeting the man who wants to be up on the stock market just as much as he wants to be up on stock cars.
  • Omni Mechanics Illustrated
    Offers schematics and blueprints for do-it-yourself-ers who are interested in building their own trans-dimensional portals and one-man interplanetary vehicles.
  • Scientific American Bazaar
    For the stylish research associate who wants to have more than white lab coats in her closet.

Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes

  • “What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren’t enough for you, tubby?”
  • “Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.”
  • “Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.”
  • “Today’s dog in alley is tomorrow’s moo goo gai pan.”
  • “Patron who mocks waiter’s accent will unwittingly consume chef’s bodily fluids.”
  • “Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.”
  • “Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.”
  • “Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.”