You Might Be a Ho When…

  • You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
  • Arsenio touches your knee.
  • Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
  • Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
  • You become a vaseline spokesperson.
  • Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
  • The EPA comes looking for you.
  • You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
  • Frederik actaully comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
  • When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
  • When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
  • You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
  • You are the headquarters for the CDC.
  • Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
  • When they change your # to 976.
  • Tetracycline is your best friend.
  • McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
  • It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
  • Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
  • When you’ve got a “Take a NUmber” machine at your door.
  • When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
  • When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
  • When getting dresses is not part of your day.
  • Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
  • When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
  • When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
  • When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
  • When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
  • When your ceiling mirrors fog.
  • When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
  • On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
  • When the word Slalom gets you excited.
  • When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
  • When you have a neon sign saying “open all night”.
  • You want to have your name changed to Misty.
  • Madonna comes to you for pointers.
  • You start to think of youself as Smurfette.
  • You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
  • When sunlight scares you.
  • When your favorite quote is “next please”.
  • You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
  • When Susan Sarandon envies you.
  • When Guiness Book starts calling.
  • When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
  • When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
  • When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
  • When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
  • When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
  • Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
  • The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
  • When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
  • The Big Dipper looks inviting.
  • When soft foods have become distasteful.
  • White sauce is a staple in your diet.
  • When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
  • When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
  • When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
  • When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
  • You and Prince have already made 3 records.
  • When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.