The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

• free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
• free puppies:
  1/2 cocker spaniel
  1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog
• free puppies…part german shepherd part stupid dog
• German shepherd 85 lbs.
  Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
• found: dirty white dog.
  Looks like a rat…
  Been out awhile..
  Better be reward.
• 1 man, 7 woman hot tub — $850/offer
• Amana washer $100.
  Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• snow blower for sale…
  Only used on snowy days.
• 2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
  1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
• tickle me elmo, still in box,
  comes with its own 1988 mustang,
  5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
• cows, calves never bred…
  Also 1 gay bull for sale.
• 83 toyota hunchback — $2000
• star wars job of the hut — $15
• soft & genital bath tissues or
  facial tissue 89 cents
• full sized mattress.
  20 yr. Warranty.
  Like new. Slight urine smell.
• free 1 can of pork & beans with
  purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
• for sale:
  lee majors (6 million dollar man) – $50
• nordic track $300
  hardly used, call chubby
• bill’s septic cleaning
  “we haul American made products”
• shakespeare’s pizza – free chopsticks
• hummels – largest selection ever
  “if it’s in stock, we have it!”
• get a little john:
  the traveling urinal
  holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
• harrisburg postal employees
  gun club
• georgia peaches
  california grown
  89 cents lb.
• nice parachute:
  never opened – used once
  slightly stained
• free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
• american flag
  60 stars – pole included
  $100
• tired of working for only $9.75
  per hour? We offer profit
  sharing and flexible hours.
  Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.
• exercise equipment:
  queen size mattress and box springs
  $175.
• our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% italian leather.
• joining nudist colony!
  Must sell washer and dryer
  $300.
• lawyer says client is not that guilty.
• alzheimer’s center prepares for an affair to remember
• gas cloud clears out taco bell.
• open housebody shapers toning salon
  free coffee and donuts
• fully cooked boneless
  smoked man
  $2.09 lb