Ways Security at the Los Alamos Lab Can Be Tightened

The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in which top secret info has been misplaced or stolen.

  • Ask Pirate Bay to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download HotList.
  • All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
  • All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable “Ig-pay Atin-lay” format.
  • Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
  • “Accidental” radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
  • Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
  • Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the “15th foreign national who calls right now!”
  • Janitors Boris and Mao swear that “Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!”
  • Immediately suspend “you break it, you bought it” policy on hard drives.
  • Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
  • All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
  • A) “Accidentally” leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler.
    B) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
  • Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
  • Visitors answering the guard’s challenge with “Foe” now required to sign guest book before entry.
  • Security guards limited to one “WHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUP!” walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
  • Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
  • “Shave and a Haircut” knock replaced with more secure “My Sharona” knock.
  • From now on, all security guards must pass the new “Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground” test.

Password Security Guidelines

For immediate issue:
Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely.

Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

  1. Minimum length 12 characters.
  2. Not in any dictionary.
  3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
  4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
  5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard.
  6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
  7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
  8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11, commonly known about in hacker circles.
  9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the internet.
  10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
  11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
  12. Changed prior to every use.
  13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
  14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
  15. Must contain both upper and lower case characters as well as at least 2 numbers.
  16. Undecodable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
  17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking form and inert.
  18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).

Due to the severity of the restrictions, you must change your password every day.