Ways Security at the Los Alamos Lab Can Be Tightened

The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in which top secret info has been misplaced or stolen.

  • Ask Pirate Bay to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download HotList.
  • All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
  • All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable “Ig-pay Atin-lay” format.
  • Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
  • “Accidental” radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
  • Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
  • Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the “15th foreign national who calls right now!”
  • Janitors Boris and Mao swear that “Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!”
  • Immediately suspend “you break it, you bought it” policy on hard drives.
  • Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
  • All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
  • A) “Accidentally” leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler.
    B) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
  • Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
  • Visitors answering the guard’s challenge with “Foe” now required to sign guest book before entry.
  • Security guards limited to one “WHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUP!” walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
  • Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
  • “Shave and a Haircut” knock replaced with more secure “My Sharona” knock.
  • From now on, all security guards must pass the new “Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground” test.