Little-Known Handicaps

  • Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)
    This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the protective hand of God to clear the way.
  • Cerebral Phlebitis
    The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a “Marriage of Equals.” This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.
  • Bingivitis
    This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from.
  • Cheeriosclerosis
    Also known as “hardening of the cereal,” this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous “bowl transplant” which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.
  • Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome
    This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient’s spouse asks “what’s the problem?” or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout “I HATE MY CLOTHES!” and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening’s worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.