Your Family May Be Dysfunctional If…

  • Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
  • Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.
  • In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
  • Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
  • There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  • Family discussions usually begin with “Put the gun down.”
  • Instead of saying Grace at dinner, dad reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
  • Thanksgiving dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
  • New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.


A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand — to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“Exactly,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

Look Up Before You Sit Down

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: “When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William’s Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

The case was dismissed.

Political Correctness For Kids

  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive”.
  • Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps”.
  • You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome”.
  • No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced”.
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective”.
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal”.
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information”.
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged”.
  • Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience”
  • You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness”
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear”.
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations”.
  • You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building”.

Parental Observations

  • A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
  • A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
  • A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
  • A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
  • Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
  • God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.
  • Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
  • Having children will turn you into your parents.
  • If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
  • If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
  • It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
  • It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.
  • Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  • One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
  • You can learn many things from children… like how much patience you have.
  • Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
  • There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
  • Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

Night Monster

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

My Dad Always Says…

  • If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
  • I don’t get even, I get odder.
  • I am having an out of money experience.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
  • It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
  • I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

On Mothers-In-Law

  • Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
  • Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
  • Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.
  • Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-law’s Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
  • “My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.”
    “How is she now?”
    “She’s fine. But, the dog died.”
  • Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them.
  • A pharmacist tells a customer: “In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough.”
  • Mother to daughter: “Your boyfriend is such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.”
  • The lawyer cabled his client overseas: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
    Back came the reply, “Take no chances — order all three.”
  • One day a husband was late coming from work and his wife was nervous. “Oh, I know he has an affair with some woman,” she said to her mother.
    “Why do you always think the worst?” her mother replied, “Maybe he is just in some kind of accident.”
  • Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. He is now being sued by the RSPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.
  • Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, “I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law.”
    The other asked, “Did you put it to sleep?”
    “No, of course not,” said the first, “I had its teeth sharpened.”
  • My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street.
    “Oh, that’s terrible”
    “Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions.”
  • The president of the service club asked his new member, “Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?”
    The new member replied, “Yes, my mother-in-law.”
  • Wife: “Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.”
    Husband: “Oh, my! That clock has always been slow!”

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!

Learn From Your Teenager

  • 6 alarm clocks will wake everyone in the house except a teenager.
  • 1 glass of ice water will.
  • No alarm clock is necessary for dates or concerts.
  • Music is meant to be shared with neighbors two blocks away.
  • Don’t play it backwards.
  • Expect a knock at the door with a summons to court.
  • Never start your car before the radio is turned OFF.
  • Speedometers are to test the car and see if they really go that fast.
  • Mine goes 140MPH on the straight away.
  • Teenager’s cars go faster.
  • Tires are there to leave little black marks when you peel out.
  • The bigger the black mark, the better the car.
  • A car will hold 16 people with the tailgate open.
  • More if you add one to the hood and one to the roof.
  • A car will run on fumes long enough to back out of the driveway.
  • Walking to the gas station is good exercise for you.
  • Being late for work is not good for you.
  • Teenagers are allergic to walking.
  • A clean room means a path from the door to the bed.
  • A bedroom can be cleaned in five minutes flat if they throw everything into the trash.
  • Including dirty laundry and dirty dishes.
  • The phone is always in use.
  • Extra phone lines don’t help.
  • Voice mail does. (At least you know which calls you’ve missed)
  • Teenagers want to know what calls they’ve missed, too.
  • Kool-aid is for coloring hair.
  • Trousers should be worn several sizes too big and low enough for at least 6″ of underwear to show.
  • Only one half of a wallet is for money.
  • The other half is for status symbols.
  • Condoms are status symbols.
  • The most abhorred 4 letter word is WORK! (houseWORK and homeWORK)
  • The second worst 4 letter word is HOME.
  • Windows are more useful as doors.
  • The knock at the window is always answered by a teenager.
  • The knock at the door is always an adult.
  • Police come in all shapes and sizes.
  • 3 work days a month are school holidays.
  • The house will always be redecorated when you come home from work.
  • All walls should have a window.
  • Windows are easily made with fists.
  • Violation tickets come in all shapes, colors and sizes.
  • No, all the blue tickets are not curfew violations and all the yellow tickets are not noise violations, that doesn’t even include the pink or the green ones.
  • Remove all lethal weapons from your home.
  • Schools consider paring knives lethal weapons.
  • A plastic knife will not slice butter without breaking.
  • Every parent of a teenager can add much to this list. That’s a double dog dare!!!! (If they still use that term)