- You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.
- Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on the news.
- Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries’ gross national products combined.
- It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
- Communication is something your section is having problems with.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
- Being sick is defined as “can’t walk” or “in the hospital.”
- You’re already late on the work task you just got.
- You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
- “Vacation” is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as “working with computers.”
- Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them.
- You have every “Cup-A-Soup” brand known to man in your desk drawer.
- You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
- During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your coworkers outnumber your family members.
- You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you’ve lost your bestjokes.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
From a 1943 Guide to Hiring Women
Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are some helpful tips on the subject from western properties:
- If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
- When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
- While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
- Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.
- In breaking in women who haven’t previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
The Advantages of Being a Temp
- You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
- You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
- Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
- You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children’s school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.
- No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
- You can avoid the internal “war.” I once temped at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn’t even speak with the other… it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.
- Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away…and the “customer” PHB can (often) be ignored.
- Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo!
- Leaving at 4:30.
- Eight Words: “It was like that when I got here.”
- You get to hear the words, “Good job” and, ‘Please stay” frequently.
- When the company goes out backwards your resume says you worked for an agency.
- You don’t give a rat’s hoohaa what the stock is doing.
- I know my end date. The directs don’t.
- It’s like being the only lemming in the group with a parachute…
No Wonder I’m Tired
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don’t do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let’s soak up more tax dollars while we play “Doom”), which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
An Apology
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Years Party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of know they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don’t they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic……
How Applicants Speak
(and what they mean)
- “I know how to deal with stressful situations”
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of coffee breaks.
- “I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. - “I’m extremely adept at all manners of office organization”
I’ve used Microsoft Office. - “I’m honest, hardwordking, and dependable”
I pilfer office supplies. - “My pertinent work experience includes”
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had. - “I take pride in my work”
I blame others for my mistakes. - “I’m personable”
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. - “I’m willing to relocate”
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better. - “I’m extremely professional”
I carry a Franklin Planner. - “My background and skills match your requirements”
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced. - “I am adaptable”
I’ve changed jobs a lot. - “I’m highly motivated to succeed”
The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there. - “I have formal training”
I’m a college dropout. - “Thank you for time and consideration”
Wait! Don’t throw me away! - “I look forward to hearing from you soon”
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
You Might Be a Redneck NASCAR Fan if…
- You think the last four words of the National Anthem are “Gentlemen start your engines!”….
- You think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida….
- You’ve ever written Richard Petty’s name on a presidential ballot….
- You’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures….
- You have the word NASCAR in your wedding vows….
- You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program….
- You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series….
- Your favorite NASCAR souvenir was a direct result of a crash in turn three….
- You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights….
- You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary….
- You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are….
- You think the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 mph…..round and round and round….
- The word “Bank” makes you think of turn three at Daytona….
- Your wife’s nickname is “Lugnut”….
- You’ve spent more time on the top of a Winnebago than in one….
- You know the “Back way” to Talledega….
- You can change a tire faster than you can change a diaper….
- You make engine noises while watching racing on TV….
Rejected Summer Olympic Events
- The Marge Schott-put
- Hide the javelin
- Tackle the French guy
- Speed blinking
- Trouser hockey
- Synchronized shrugging
- 100-meter dash with a fat guy on your back
- Female weightlifter mustache tweezing
- Pantsless pole vault
- Lookin’ terrific
Reasons to Play Golf
Front 9
- You can play without risk of scandal.
- Beats mowing the lawn.
- Carrying clubs is considered socially acceptable.
- Master the essential language: slice, shank, divot, bogie, green fee, sand trap, deep rough, mulligan, hacker, water hazard, double bogie, difficult lie, flub, handicap, worm burner, triple bogie, and Duffer.
- Always a doctor nearby.
- Would you rather do business at the office?
- Handicap accessible.
- Two methods to achieve a great score
a) play as you lie
b) lie as you play - Drop a few shots at the 19th hole.
- The worse your game, the better the exercise.
- “Holistic” stress reduction.
- Great excuse to take a walk.
- Work through bad lies without having to run for office.
- Rather sink a birdie than hook a fish.
- Putting is such sweet sorrow.
- Old golfers never die..they just putter out.
- Drinking and driving is encouraged… especially by your opponents.
- Having a ball is par for the course.
Back 9
Overheard At the Sydney Olympics…
- “Hell, no, I didn’t win these. I bought ’em on E-Bay from some guy named Spitzer72.”
- “The Australian team has formed a large dingo on the field… and it’s eating the New Zealand delegation!”
- “Never date an Australian. If you throw them out, they come right back to you.”
- “I’m sorry, Sir. If I promise to never say ‘throw another shrimp on the barbie’ again, would you kindly remove your boomerang from my rectum?”
- “You’d think Brandi Chastain would have at least waited until the torch was lit before ripping her shirt off.”
- “Hey, you with the mustache — get out of the women’s showers! Oh… sorry, Miss Ling.”
- “I don’t care if you are in the NBA, everyone pays for their marijuana in this country, mate.”
- “Suzy, we don’t have to synchronize everything. Can’t I just have 5 minutes in the bathroom by myself?”
- “The tribe has spoken. Please snuff out your Olympic flame and leave immediately.”
- “CRIKEY! This javelin being thrown at me is a REAL BEAUT! One false move and I’m impaled and done for!!”
- “I think somebody should tell the USA shooters that they only need to fire at each target *once*.”
- “Hey — who’s the smartass throwing shrimp on the Olympic flame?”
- “I’m not sure it’s wise to carry an open flame around 100,000 Vegemite eaters.”
- “No, ladies, we do *not* need any volunteers to help towel off the swimmer with the size 17 feet.”