How Applicants Speak

(and what they mean)
  • “I know how to deal with stressful situations”

    I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

  • “I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills”
    I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
  • “I’m extremely adept at all manners of office organization”
    I’ve used Microsoft Office.
  • “I’m honest, hardwordking, and dependable”
    I pilfer office supplies.
  • “My pertinent work experience includes”
    I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
  • “I take pride in my work”
    I blame others for my mistakes.
  • “I’m personable”
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
  • “I’m willing to relocate”
    As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.
  • “I’m extremely professional”
    I carry a Franklin Planner.
  • “My background and skills match your requirements”
    You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
  • “I am adaptable”
    I’ve changed jobs a lot.
  • “I’m highly motivated to succeed”
    The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.
  • “I have formal training”
    I’m a college dropout.
  • “Thank you for time and consideration”
    Wait! Don’t throw me away!
  • “I look forward to hearing from you soon”
    Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.