Right for the Job

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test.

Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any

instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

  • If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.
  • If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.
  • If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.
  • If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.
  • If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.
  • If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the help desk.
  • If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing.
  • If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.
  • If they are sleeping, they are management material.
  • If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team.
  • If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security.
  • If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.

How Applicants Speak

(and what they mean)
  • “I know how to deal with stressful situations”

    I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

  • “I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills”
    I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
  • “I’m extremely adept at all manners of office organization”
    I’ve used Microsoft Office.
  • “I’m honest, hardwordking, and dependable”
    I pilfer office supplies.
  • “My pertinent work experience includes”
    I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
  • “I take pride in my work”
    I blame others for my mistakes.
  • “I’m personable”
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
  • “I’m willing to relocate”
    As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.
  • “I’m extremely professional”
    I carry a Franklin Planner.
  • “My background and skills match your requirements”
    You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
  • “I am adaptable”
    I’ve changed jobs a lot.
  • “I’m highly motivated to succeed”
    The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.
  • “I have formal training”
    I’m a college dropout.
  • “Thank you for time and consideration”
    Wait! Don’t throw me away!
  • “I look forward to hearing from you soon”
    Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.