Still More Bumper Stickers

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  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
  • I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Taxation WITH representation ain’t so fucking hot, either!
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
  • EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
  • Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that.
  • Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  • If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Actual Bumper Stickers

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  • Horn broken.
  • Watch for finger.
  • Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  • I brake for no apparent reason.
  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
  • I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
  • Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
  • Born free…Taxed to death.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
  • All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
  • Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  • Montana — At least our cows are sane!
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
  • No radio – Already stolen.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  • Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
  • Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
  • Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
  • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
  • Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
  • How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • i souport publik edekashun.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  • Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • Keep honking…I’m reloading.
  • Caution: I drive like you do.

Austin Powers Pick-up Lines from “Gold Member”

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  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.
  • Nice legs… What time do they open?
  • Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  • You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
  • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
  • I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
  • I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Wanna play army? I’ll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
  • I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
  • I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • (Look down at your crotch) Well, it’s not just going to suck itself.
  • You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
  • You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
  • Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
  • My name is ( )…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
  • I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
  • Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
  • Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

Aphorisms

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  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.
  • Don’t sweat petty things…. or pet sweaty things.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Anagrams

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When you have turned Pepsi-Cola into episcopal, or cart-horse into orchestra, or even dishonest into hedonists you have created an anagram – a rearrangement of the letters in a word or phrase to form another word or phrase. Anagrams are said to have originated in the fourth century BC with the Greek poet Lycophron, and they have been popular in every period of history since then.

Anagrams become more interesting when they relate in some way to the original word or phrase.

  • Allegories … Lies Galore
  • Alphabetically … I Play All the ABC
  • Animosity … Is No Amity
  • Astronomer … Moon Starer
  • Considerate … Care is Noted
  • Conversation … Voices Rant On
  • Curtailment … Terminal Cut
  • Dynamite … May End It
  • Disconsolate … Is Not Solaced
  • Endearment … Tender Name
  • Lubrication … Act, Rub Oil In
  • Measurements … Man Uses Meter
  • Misrepresentation … Interpret One Amiss
  • Parishoner … I Hire Parson
  • Pittance … A Cent Tip
  • Predestination … I Pertain to Ends
  • Presbyterian … Best in Prayer
  • Punishment … Nine Thumps
  • Revolution … Love to Ruin
  • Saintliness … Least in Sins
  • Schoolmaster … In The Classroom
  • Separation … One is Apart
  • Softheartedness … Often Sheds Tears
  • Staghounds … A Hunt’s Dogs
  • Suggestion … It Eggs Us On
  • Tempestuous … Seems Put Out
  • Tragedian … Egad, I Rant
  • Tribulations … Is But on Trial
  • Undiplomatic … Mad, Unpolitic
  • Uniformity … I Form Unity
  • Upholsterers … Restore Plush
  • Waitress … A Stew, Sir?
  • The Aristocracy … A Rich Tory Caste
  • Bathing Girls … In Slight Garb
  • The Boarding House … This Abode O’Hunger
  • Circumstantial Evidence … Actual Crime isn’t Evinced
  • The Countryside … No City Dust Here
  • Fool’s Paradise … So Ideal for Sap
  • French Revolution … Violence Run Forth
  • HMS Pinafore … Name for Ship
  • Integral Calculus … Calculating Rules
  • The Irish Nation … Oh, That is in Erin
  • Midwinter Weather … Wind, Rime, Wet Earth
  • The Mona Lisa … Ah, Not a Smile
  • The Morse Code … Here Come Dots
  • The Nudist Colony … No Untidy Clothes
  • Police Protection … Let Cop Cope In Riot
  • A Sentence of Death … Faces One at the End
  • Silver and Gold … Grand Old Evils
  • Slot Machines … Cash Lost In ‘Em
  • Suspended Animation … Supine Man is Not Dead
  • Western Union … No Wire Unsent

Abbreviated Insults

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Great to use in chat rooms or on cell phones!

  • GOPlAinTraFk
    Go play in traffic

  • UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag
    You’ve got a face like a squeezed tea-bag

  • IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus
    If you had a brain you’d be dangerous

  • IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge
    If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge

  • INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov
    I know when you are lying, Your lips move

  • TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm
    The lights are on, but no one is home

  • URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATortus
    You are as much use as mud guards on a tortoise

  • TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd
    The Wheel’s moving but the hamster’s dead

  • URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot
    You are as much use as a chocolate teapot

  • UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk
    You are one sandwich short of a picnic

  • :-(YaBrAnIsntAsBgAsYa(_,_)
    A pity your brain isn’t as big as your bottom

Company Motivation Posters We’ll Never See

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  • If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
  • It’s only unethical if you get caught.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • We put the “k” in “kwality”
  • If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
  • Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  • ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
  • We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
  • 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
  • Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
  • At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.

  • Never quit until you have another job.

How Business Communications Work

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MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters – New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Haley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day’s observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Haley’s Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day’s work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs
every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Haley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Haley’s Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA’s
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Haley and his Comets.

Fun Things to Hide in Your Boss’ Office

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  • A “baby monitor.” Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
  • A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying: I told you that damn condom ripped.
  • Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn’t roll and it will take the jerk and the IT department all day to figure it out.
  • 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. (Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day.) Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.
  • First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security …
  • A thong and a lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.
  • Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can’t see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.
  • A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card.
  • An open and empty condom wrapper.
  • A stained dress.

The Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

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  • Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
  • Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
  • Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
  • That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
  • Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
  • My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
  • Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
  • Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.
  • 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
  • Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
  • When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
  • Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.