My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal?
My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap …
I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.
I’m searching for myself; Have you seen me?
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help …
Isn’t genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
It’s 2000 … Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
A family tree can wither if nobody tends it’s roots.
A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Am I the only person up my tree … sure seems like it.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
Gene-Allergy: It’s a contagious disease but I love it.
Genealogists are time unravelers.
Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide … I seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
“Crazy” is a relative term in my family.
A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.
I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
I think my ancestors had several “Bad heir” days.
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower.
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
It’s an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Shh! Be very, very quiet … I’m hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
That’s strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
I’m not sick, I’ve just got fading genes.
Genealogists live in the past lane.
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
Always willing to share my ignorance …
Documentation …The hardest part of genealogy.
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy … will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
That’s the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
I researched my family tree … and apparently I don’t exist!
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Failure is not getting knocked down… It’s not getting back up!
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.
…admired this scenery before: deja ooo
…been in this courtroom before: deja sue
…been in this revolution before: de coup
…been on this airplane before: deja flew
…came up with this innovation before: deja new
…courted her before: deja wue
…done this person before: deja do
…eaten this dinner before: deja stew
…ended this relationship before: deja through
…expanded this way before: deja grew
…exposed the real facts before: deja true
…fed these pigeons before: deja coo
…felt this bad before: deja rue
…felt this ill before: deja flu
…felt this sad before: deja blue
…forgotten this your name before: deja who
…had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too
…learned this stuff before: deja knew
…lost it under the bed before: deja shoo
…milked this cow before: deja moo
…munched on this gum ball before: deja chew
…played in this wet grass before: deja dew
…prepared this before: deja glue
…pursued this person before: deja woo
…read this mystery book before: deja clue
…sat through this sermon before: deja pew
…scared this person away before: deja boo
…seen these animals before: deja zoo
…seen these twins before: deja two
…seen this slime before: deja goo
…seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
…sheared this sheep before: deja ewe
…sketched this portrait before: deja drew
…smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
…smelt this before: deja poo
…taken him to court before: deja sue
…used this beer recipe before: deja brew
…visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
…waited in line before: deja queue
How about never? Is never good for you?
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Illiterate? Write for Help!
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Character is like a fence – it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
Grandma’s advice: Do your best and leave the rest.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
The measure of a man’s intelligence is inversely proportional to the amount of time he keeps his mouth open.
The trouble with staying at home is you never find out just how good it is to get back.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like ‘the force’. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
If at first you don’t succeed–try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
Go the extra mile — It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork–words we use to get you to work for free.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh…I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again…
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
All generalizations are false.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
Born free…Taxed to death.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
Driver carries no cash. He’s married
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Hit me, I need the money!
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
HUG A LOGGER–you’ll never go back to trees
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I love cats…they taste just like chicken..
i souport publik edekashun.
I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
I’m happily married – but my wife isn’t.
I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It wasn’t actually a divorce – I was traded.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Montana — At least our cows are sane!
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
SUPPORT BINGO–keep Grandma off the streets
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full – Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off (Motorcycle)
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong…
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like JabbaThe Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
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