Modern Laws

  • Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
  • Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
  • The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to bump you into the next tax bracket and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
  • Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
  • Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
  • Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
  • The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
  • Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

A 90s Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand, buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn
and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who’s late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender’s all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away if it should rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I’m wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

You Know You’ve Worked During the 90s If….

  • You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.
  • Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
  • You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  • You learn about your layoff on the news.
  • Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  • Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries’ gross national products combined.
  • It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
  • Communication is something your section is having problems with.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
  • Being sick is defined as “can’t walk” or “in the hospital.”
  • You’re already late on the work task you just got.
  • You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
  • “Vacation” is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
  • Your relatives and family describe your job as “working with computers.”
  • Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them.
  • You have every “Cup-A-Soup” brand known to man in your desk drawer.
  • You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
  • During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your coworkers outnumber your family members.
  • You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you’ve lost your bestjokes.
  • You read this entire list and understood it.