Reasons for Being French

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  • When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
  • Yet to experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
  • You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs.
  • If there’s a war, you can surrender really early.
  • You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on PBS.
  • You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
  • You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
  • You allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
  • You pay a fortune for a meal that is artfully placed on a plate but won’t satisfy the hunger of a child.
  • Stale baguettes can be used for building materials or weapons.
  • You have a good excuse for drinking wine at every meal – even breakfast.
  • You don’t have to bother with toilets, just do it in the street.
  • People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.

You Know You’re from Idaho When…

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  • The wind is faster than your truck.
  • Every other vehicle is a 4×4.
  • When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.
  • In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
  • You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it’s still there.
  • You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
  • You hear the words “stream” or “brook” pronounced “crick.”
  • The elevation exceeds the population.
  • You’ve broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.
  • You can see the stars at night.
  • People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.
  • Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.
  • You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.
  • The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
  • Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals.
  • A girls’ basketball game fills the gym.
  • You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.
  • A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.
  • You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough.
  • Yellow light means “follow the car in front of you no matter what.”
  • Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list.
  • You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck.
  • You talk about a combine and people don’t wonder what you are putting together.
  • In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor.
  • When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk.
  • Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle’s “jocky box.”
  • You can choose plastic bags or paper sacks for your groceries.
  • You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass you on the road.
  • You know why people pay money to watch “pig wrestling.”
  • You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Idaho friends.

Signs You’ve Been in Glasgow Too Long

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  • You say ‘pish’ all the time.
  • You say ‘aye’ all the time.
  • You end sentences with ‘like’ i.e. ‘I’m no goin’ there, like, it’s pish’
  • You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it ‘tastes of pish, like’
  • You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
  • You punch everybody you meet.
  • You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
  • You are incomprehensible.
  • People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
  • You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words ‘Edinburgh’ or ‘England’.

  • You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

The Hardware Store

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A Polish man wants lunch, so he goes down to a place he knows of down the street, walks up to the counter, and says, “I want a
burger, some fries, and a chocolate shake.”

The man behind the counter says, “You must be Polish.”

The guys says, “Oh, I can’t believe it! Everyone always knows,” and he storms out of the place. He vows that he is going to learn to disguise his Polishness if it’s the last thing he ever does.

He goes to school to lose his accent. He goes to a fashion designer to have a whole new wardrobe designed for him. Then he goes to a finishing school to learn all the proper manners and how to behave in all circumstances.

A couple of months later the Polish man goes back to the same place and goes up to the same man at the counter.

“I would like to start first with some vichyssoise,” he says, “then I’ll have some steak tartare, and then I think I’ll finish off with some fresh raspberries.”

The man behind the counter says, “You must be Polish.”

The guy freaks out. “I just spent thousands of dollars on a wardrobe and finishing school! How is it that you always know I’m Polish?”

“Because,” the man behind the counter says, “this is a hardware store.”

You Might Be a Ho When…

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  • You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
  • Arsenio touches your knee.
  • Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
  • Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
  • You become a vaseline spokesperson.
  • Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
  • The EPA comes looking for you.
  • You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
  • Frederik actaully comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
  • When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
  • When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
  • You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
  • You are the headquarters for the CDC.
  • Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
  • When they change your # to 976.
  • Tetracycline is your best friend.
  • McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
  • It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
  • Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
  • When you’ve got a “Take a NUmber” machine at your door.
  • When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
  • When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
  • When getting dresses is not part of your day.
  • Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
  • When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
  • When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
  • When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
  • When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
  • When your ceiling mirrors fog.
  • When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
  • On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
  • When the word Slalom gets you excited.
  • When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
  • When you have a neon sign saying “open all night”.
  • You want to have your name changed to Misty.
  • Madonna comes to you for pointers.
  • You start to think of youself as Smurfette.
  • You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
  • When sunlight scares you.
  • When your favorite quote is “next please”.
  • You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
  • When Susan Sarandon envies you.
  • When Guiness Book starts calling.
  • When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
  • When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
  • When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
  • When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
  • When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
  • Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
  • The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
  • When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
  • The Big Dipper looks inviting.
  • When soft foods have become distasteful.
  • White sauce is a staple in your diet.
  • When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
  • When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
  • When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
  • When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
  • You and Prince have already made 3 records.
  • When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.

You Know It’s Hot Outside When…

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  • You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • Your computer won’t work unless it has it’s own AC blowing on it.
  • Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
  • Airplanes can’t land because the asphalt is too soft.
  • You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
  • The swans in the park come in “original recipe” and “extra crispy.”
  • Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
  • Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.
  • The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot.
  • Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
  • A scalding hot shower still cools you down.
  • You’ve been getting hot flashes, and you’re a man.
  • People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.
  • A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants.
  • The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
  • You need a spatula to remove your clothing.
  • When the beer gut and big butt don’t keep you from wearing shorts.
  • You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
  • You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible.
  • You are sweating in both directions — up and down!
  • Lawyers kill themselves because they know it’s cooler in Hell.
  • It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
  • Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
  • You burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • You are sitting inside reading these jokes.
  • Your brother’s braces make blisters on his lips.

You Know You’re Born and Raised in Small-Town Idaho When…

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  • During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
  • You are related to more than half the town.
  • You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
  • Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.
  • Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
  • You don’t buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
  • You don’t put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
  • There’s a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
  • The local gas station sells live bait.
  • You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.
  • You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.
  • You’re on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
  • When little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.
  • You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
  • All your radio-preset buttons are country.
  • You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.
  • Using the elevator involves a grain truck.
  • Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
  • You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
  • You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
  • Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
  • You know cow pies aren’t made of beef.
  • You wake up when it’s dark and go to bed when it’s still light.
  • You listen to “Paul Harvey” every day at noon.
  • You can tell it’s a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
  • Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code.
  • You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.
  • You know the code names for everyone on the CB.
  • You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
  • You wear your boots to church.
  • It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it’s clear across town.
  • You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.
  • The meaning of true love is that you’ll ride in the tractor with him.
  • You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.
  • Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
  • You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles away.

You Know You’re In Phoenix When…

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  • You buy salsa by the gallon.
  • Your Christmas decorations includes a half a yard of sand and l00 paper bags.
  • You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
  • All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
  • You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
  • Most of the restaurants in town have the first name “El” or “Los”.
  • You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
  • You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can’t remember the name of the incumbent.
  • Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
  • You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.
  • You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
  • Every other vehicle is a 4×4.
  • Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
  • People break out coats when temperature drops below 70.
  • The pool can be warmer than you are.
  • Most homes have more firearms than people.
  • Kids will ask, “What’s a mosquito?”
  • People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
  • The AC Service Man is on your list of best friends.
  • Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.
  • You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
  • The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
  • You can (correctly) pronounce the words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San Xavier”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and “Ajo”.

You Know You Are Italian When…

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  • You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
  • Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a’76 Monte Carlo.
  • You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
  • Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
  • You consider dunking a pack of “S” cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
  • Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
  • Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just do me” tank top.
  • At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
  • All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
  • A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of “professore” among your aunts.
  • You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
  • If someone in your family grown beyond 5’6″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.
  • There are more than 24 people in your bridal party.
  • You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
  • 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say, “Pronto,” when answering the phone.
  • You are offended when the wedding you attend serves fewer than 3 fish courses.
  • Of course you own more than 2 homes…
  • You have an Un-Godly fear of wooden spoons.
  • Someone in your family has a nickname after an ethnically Italian food (i.e., Pasta, Meatball, etc.).
  • No matter how long you’ve been married, your wife “just can’t make homemade sauce like Mom did.”