It is So Dry in Arizona That…

  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  • The trees are whistling for the dogs.
  • You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
  • You can make instant sun tea.
  • You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
  • You know the best parking place is in the shade, not distance from the door.
  • Your biggest fear in the case of a wreck is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
  • A sad native prayed in Church today, “Please, God, let it rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it – but for my 7-year-old.”
  • A visitor once asked, “Does it ever rain in Arizona?”
    A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”
    The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”
    “Well,” the rancher puffed up, “We got about two and a half inches of that.”

You Know It’s Hot Outside When…

  • You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • Your computer won’t work unless it has it’s own AC blowing on it.
  • Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
  • Airplanes can’t land because the asphalt is too soft.
  • You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
  • The swans in the park come in “original recipe” and “extra crispy.”
  • Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
  • Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.
  • The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot.
  • Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
  • A scalding hot shower still cools you down.
  • You’ve been getting hot flashes, and you’re a man.
  • People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.
  • A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants.
  • The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
  • You need a spatula to remove your clothing.
  • When the beer gut and big butt don’t keep you from wearing shorts.
  • You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
  • You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible.
  • You are sweating in both directions — up and down!
  • Lawyers kill themselves because they know it’s cooler in Hell.
  • It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
  • Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
  • You burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • You are sitting inside reading these jokes.
  • Your brother’s braces make blisters on his lips.