Signs You’ve Been in Edinburgh Too Long

  • You say ‘how?’ instead of ‘why?’. But not in public.
  • The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but you only eat it to be ‘ethnic’. Normally it is caviar or nothing.
  • You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you’ve never met any as you are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals one of your eleven mobile phones.
  • You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish cities.
  • You speak with a Morningside accent when sober… and then like a Leith dockworker when drunk.
  • You have whiskey for breakfast.
  • You are strangely proud and protective of Irn-Bru.
  • You haven’t noticed how sickly and horrible Irn-Bru is.
  • You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.
  • You think paying £10 for a 3 minute cab ride is perfectly acceptable.
  • You will sulk at the champagne being warm at Hogmanay.
  • You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can’t possibly go to bed before 11.30 am the next day.
  • You will sulk if you don’t manage to spend £1000 on your Jenners account card in your lunch hour.

Signs You’ve Been in Glasgow Too Long

  • You say ‘pish’ all the time.
  • You say ‘aye’ all the time.
  • You end sentences with ‘like’ i.e. ‘I’m no goin’ there, like, it’s pish’
  • You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it ‘tastes of pish, like’
  • You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
  • You punch everybody you meet.
  • You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
  • You are incomprehensible.
  • People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
  • You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words ‘Edinburgh’ or ‘England’.
  • You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.