The Cynic’s Guide to Life

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  • Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
  • Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
  • If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
  • If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
  • When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  • A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
  • Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the “What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is”.
  • Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
  • Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!
  • When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
  • This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
  • It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
  • Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
  • This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
  • Love is like a roller coaster: When it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t, you can’t wait to throw up.

Visitor’s Guide to Dallas, Texas

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  • First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s DAL-LUS.
  • Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules… Hold on and pray.
  • All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.
  • The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “scenic drive”.
  • The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear ended.
  • Major roads mysteriously change names and direction at intersections.
  • Intense construction on the highway system is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
  • All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we were in Fort Worth!!”
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
  • All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way, especially in the vicinity of Neiman Marcus.
  • If asking directions east of downtown, you must have a working knowledge of Spanish.
  • Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
  • A trip across town will take a minimum of four hours. Pack a lunch.
  • Don’t carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Martin Luther King Freeway. And keep all doors locked at all times.
  • The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff is not ornamental.
  • Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking. I’m reloading.”
  • If you are in the left lane, and only going 70… people are not waving when they go by.
  • The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of the NASCAR circuit.
  • Any section of Dallas above IH-635 is considered too far and too close to Oklahoma to be driving.
  • Plano and Flower Mound are not real cities, they were produced and brought to you by the nice people at Disney for the pure entertainment of housewives.

You Might Be From Denver If…

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  • You hear the number “82” and grab a shovel. (As in Blizzard of ’82)
  • You merge onto the highway at 15 miles an hour.
  • You have absolutely no recognizable accent.
  • If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it “Muggy”.
  • You only go to Lodo when friends are in from out of town.
  • You have been skiing less than 3 times in your life.
  • You actually think 5-Points is a ghetto.
  • You are the third car to run a red light after it has changed.
  • You say things like “I don’t care how big Parker is, it’s still a one-horse town”.
  • You think only stupid people get lost in this town.
  • When giving directions, you never say “Turn left, turn right”, it’s always go West, then South.
  • You know where the city ended when you were a kid, and would never move further out than that boundary.
  • You hear “Governor Owens” and you still think they’re talking about some other state’s governor.
  • There is not enough money in the world to get you to move to the Springs.
  • During a thunderstorm you wonder “Which I-25 underpass is flooding”.
  • You never plan a picnic between 3:30 and 6:00 in Spring or Summer months.
  • If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.
  • Thornton, Northglenn and Westminster are “Another State”.
  • You voted for higher taxes to fund Coors field, but voted down taxes for public transportation.
  • You have a broken windshield.
  • You see no reason to travel to Aurora.
  • The only RTD bus you’ve been on is the 16th Street shuttle.
  • Bear chases are televised for hours.
  • The two major newspapers have the same owner, yet one insists on making its on rules regarding what to call the new stadium.
  • The biggest event of the year is the Western Stock Show.

Terms:

  • Big Mac = A sports venue, not a hamburger. (Now extinct)
  • LoDo = A tourist trap with expensive condos, not an extinct bird.
  • “Little California” = Highlands Ranch
  • The Springs = Colorado Springs, where the religious freaks live.
  • Independent Republic of Boulder = Where the rest of the freaks live.
  • The Donkeys = The Broncos when they are losing.
  • “Californicators” = Californians
  • “Ass-Holes” = Texans
  • “The Narrows” = I-25 between University and Broadway
  • “Jolly Green Giant’s Golf Balls” = Buckley A.N.G.
  • “tourists” = people driving on the 16th Street Mall.
  • “Damn Rockies” = What one says looking for a parking spot Downtown.

Signs You’ve Been in Dublin Too Long

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  • You say “I’m Grand” all the time.
  • You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.
  • You disagreed with 2. – Guinness is the FIRST food group.
  • You’re pale and white… yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
  • You say “Are you Grand ?” all the time.
  • You say “Isn’t it grand” all the time.
  • You say “That’d be grand” all the time.
  • You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
  • You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
  • You don’t eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
  • You say “Your man” all the time.
  • You say “Your woman” all the time.
  • You say “It’s grand that your man asked if I’m grand” all the time.
  • You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone’s mammy – at thirty.
  • You talk about ‘dinners’ and ‘mammys’.

Signs You’re Going To Have A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving

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by H. Kent Craig
  • Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will “be regular” afterwards.
  • Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.
  • Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his “piece” in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.
  • Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.
  • Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of “Redman” chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.
  • Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new “best friend” as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.
  • Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who’s doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.
  • Uncle Peter, who’s legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps “accidentally” nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.
  • 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball “rock” he just bought from your Dad.
  • Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe’ by pouring some his famous homemade ‘shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter’s head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday.

Signs You’ve Been in Edinburgh Too Long

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  • You say ‘how?’ instead of ‘why?’. But not in public.
  • The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but you only eat it to be ‘ethnic’. Normally it is caviar or nothing.
  • You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you’ve never met any as you are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals one of your eleven mobile phones.
  • You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish cities.
  • You speak with a Morningside accent when sober… and then like a Leith dockworker when drunk.
  • You have whiskey for breakfast.
  • You are strangely proud and protective of Irn-Bru.
  • You haven’t noticed how sickly and horrible Irn-Bru is.
  • You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.
  • You think paying £10 for a 3 minute cab ride is perfectly acceptable.
  • You will sulk at the champagne being warm at Hogmanay.
  • You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can’t possibly go to bed before 11.30 am the next day.
  • You will sulk if you don’t manage to spend £1000 on your Jenners account card in your lunch hour.

Facts About Americans

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  • only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
  • 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
  • Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
  • 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
  • 85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear
  • 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs)
  • the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B
  • 85% of women wear the wrong bra size
  • 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations
  • 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework
  • 91% of us lie regularly
  • 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
  • 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store
  • 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods
  • 90% believe in divine retribution
  • 10% believe in the 10 Commandments
  • 82% believe in an afterlife
  • 45% believe in ghosts
  • 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
  • 29% of us are virgins when we marry
  • 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t
  • 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
  • Over 50% believe in spanking—but only a child over 2 years old
  • 35% give to charity at least once a month

  • How far would you go for $10 million?
    25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
    7% would murder

  • 69% eat the cake before the frosting
  • When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
  • 85% of us will eat Spam this year
  • 70% of us drink orange juice daily
  • Snickers is the most popular candy
  • 22% of us skip lunch daily
  • 9% of us skip breakfast daily
  • 66% of us eat cereal regularly
  • 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries!
  • 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
  • only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
  • 45% use mouthwash every day
  • 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
  • the typical shower is 101 degrees F
  • Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
  • 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
  • 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
  • 58% of women paint their nails regularly
  • 62% of us pop our zits
  • 33% of women lie about their weight
  • 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
  • 49% believe in ESP
  • 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
  • the average girl starts her period at age 12
  • 44% have broken a bone
  • only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
  • 14% have attended a self-help meeting
  • 15% regularly go to a shrink
  • 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
  • 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
  • 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
  • 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
  • 23.5% admit they don’t always flush
  • 45.2% pee in the shower
  • 44.9% pee in the ocean
  • 28.1% pee in the pool
  • 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re using the toilet
  • 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
  • 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
  • 29% of us ignore RSVP
  • 1.6% of us eavesdrop
  • 22% are functionally illiterate
  • less than 10% are trilingual
  • 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
  • 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
  • 56% of women do the bills in a marriage
  • 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks
  • 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
  • 40% of us have had music lessons
  • 44% reuse tinfoil
  • 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
  • 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch
  • 53% read their horoscopes regularly
  • 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men)
  • 59% of us say we’re average-looking
  • 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake up
  • 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
  • 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
  • 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity
  • on average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
  • 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
  • 2 out of 5 have married their first love
  • the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
  • only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand
  • 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
  • 6% propose over the phone
  • 71% can drive a stick-shift car
  • 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
  • 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
  • 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts
  • 12% of men never use their car blinkers
  • 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them
  • 25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking
  • 4 out of 5 sing in the car

Facts About Texas

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  • Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  • Roadrunners don’t say “Beep Beep.”
  • There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Texas.
  • There are 10,000 types of spiders, and 10,001 live in Texas.
  • Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
  • Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
  • If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
  • Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
  • There are valid reasons for some people to put concertina wire around their house.
  • You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
  • A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
  • Texas has 5 seasons: Spring – Feb 16 to April 15 Summer – April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Super Summer – July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees) Summer – Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Fall – Oct 2 to Dec. 1 Winter – Dec. 2 to Feb 15
  • The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
  • “Onced” and “Twiced” are words.
  • It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
  • Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
  • Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
  • “Coldbeer” is one word.
  • People actually grow and eat okra.
  • Texans really don’t have an accent.
  • When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
  • Green grass DOES burn.
  • When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
  • The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
  • When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it’s time to go to the doctor.
  • “Fixinto” is one word.
  • A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds drinkin’ water for your cows.
  • “Backards” and “Forards” means I know everything about you.
  • You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
  • You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
  • Texans will laugh harder at this than anyone else because we all KNOW these facts are true!!!

You Might Be A Farmer If…

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  • Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
  • You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
  • You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
  • You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
  • You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
  • You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
  • You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
  • You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
  • You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
  • You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
  • You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

Florida Diary

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  • April 30th:
    Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

  • May 14th:
    Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

  • June 5th:
    Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

  • July 1st:
    The temperature hasn’t been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take awhile, I guess.I sure miss my LP collection, though. I’ll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

  • July 15th:
    Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

  • July 20th:
    I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he’d swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

  • July 25th:
    Ocean breezes, my butt. Hot is hell!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

  • July 30th:
    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52’s. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

  • Aug 4th:
    100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

  • Aug 8th:
    If another jerk say’s to me, “Is it Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his head off.Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

  • Aug 10th:
    The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot two fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And who came up with the statement “it may be hot, but at least you don’t have to shovel it” should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn’t it ever rain in this God forsaken place??

  • Aug 14th:
    Welcome to Hell !!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

  • Aug 30th:
    Worst day of the summer. I’m not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn’t aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield.

That does it, we’re moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!