- Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
- Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
- If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
- If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
- When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
- Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the “What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is”.
- Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
- Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!
- When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
- This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
- It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
- Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
- This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
- Love is like a roller coaster: When it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t, you can’t wait to throw up.
- Artificial Insemination
Procreation without recreation.
- Author
A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
- Bookcase
A piece of furniture used in America to house Bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
- Boss
A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to
live in free societies.
- Bulimia
Retched excess.
- Chic
Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
- Childhood
The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
- Clique
A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
- Consultant
A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
- Denial
How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
- Dentures
Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
- DNA
A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
- Erudite
Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
- Experience
In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it.
- Fiber
Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp.
- Fitness
Salvation through perspiration.
- Funeral Home
A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
- Genetic Engineering
Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
- Gourmet
A food fetishist.
- Hip
Smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés.
- Hooker
A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
- Ideologue
Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.
- Jeans
Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
- Job
A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
- Kleptomaniac
A thief with breeding.
- Laboratory Animals
Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
- Lawyer
A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
- Lecher
A stud with liver spots.
- Looting
A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
- Lottery
The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
- Martial Arts
A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.
- Math Anxiety
An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
- Mugger
A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
- Negotiating
The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
- Neighbors
The strangers who live next door.
- Neurotic
Sane but unhappy about it.
- Obituary
A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor’s parakeet.
- Parasite
A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
- Positive Thinking
Self-improvement through self-deception.
- Quagmire
Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
- Quality of Life
What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
- Redneck
Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
- Revolutionary
An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
- Shallowness
The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
- Smile
To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
- Star
A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
- State-of-the-Art
Soon-to-be-obsolete.
- Superstar
A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
- Taboo
Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity,
serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question “How are you?” in the negative.
- Trailer Parks
Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to road kill.
- Unemployment
The usual alternative to overwork.
- Urinal
The one place where all men are peers.
- Virgin
A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
- Voting
The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
- Wake
A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
- White Supremacists
The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
- X-Chromosome
A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
- X-Ray
A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
- Zombie
A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
- Zoo
A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
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