Florida Diary

  • April 30th:
    Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
  • May 14th:
    Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
  • June 5th:
    Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
  • July 1st:
    The temperature hasn’t been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take awhile, I guess.I sure miss my LP collection, though. I’ll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.
  • July 15th:
    Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
  • July 20th:
    I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he’d swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!
  • July 25th:
    Ocean breezes, my butt. Hot is hell!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.
  • July 30th:
    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52’s. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
  • Aug 4th:
    100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.
  • Aug 8th:
    If another jerk say’s to me, “Is it Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his head off.Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
  • Aug 10th:
    The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot two fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And who came up with the statement “it may be hot, but at least you don’t have to shovel it” should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn’t it ever rain in this God forsaken place??
  • Aug 14th:
    Welcome to Hell !!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
  • Aug 30th:
    Worst day of the summer. I’m not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn’t aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield.

That does it, we’re moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!

Palm Beachers

  • Coca Cola announced today that, starting immediately, all cans of soda destined for Palm Beach County will be clearly stamped on the bottom OPEN AT OTHER END.
  • The Florida Department of Transportation has finally come up with a reason for all the intersection accidents in Palm Beach County. No one knows what the arrows mean!
  • A recount has been ordered of all winning bingo cards over the past five years in Palm Beach County.
  • It was a simple mistake at the polls in Palm Beach County. After all, the names Gore and Buchanan look almost exactly alike when printed out.
  • Almost everyone in Palm Beach County believes in the Ten Commandments, but 78% of them also believe you can choose five of them.
  • Doctors have discovered the problem with Palm Beach County voters. 79% of them are dyslexic. They thought the word vote was veto.
  • The problem with the ballot in Palm Beach County stems from the fact that it is largely a retirement community and 69% of the retirees used to be lawyers.
  • Do you mean to tell me that most of the people in Florida can pay attention to 15 Bingo cards all at the same time, but can’t punch one right hole?
  • Why do Palm Beach Floridians have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
  • Three Palm Beach Floridians were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said Disneyland Left, So they turned around and went home.
  • Why did the Palm Beach Floridian stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said Concentrate.
  • Why can’t Palm Beach Floridians dial 911? They can’t find an 11 on the phone.
  • Two Palm Beach Floridians were standing on either side of a road. One asked the other. How do I get to the other side? The other replied, Dummy, you’re already on the other side!
  • Hear about the Palm Beach Floridian who got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
  • What happened to the Palm Beach Floridian Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
  • What did the Palm Beach Floridian say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!
  • How do you make a Palm Beach Floridian laugh on Saturday? Tell them a joke on Wednesday.


WE, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When YOU promise to stop sending us YOUR old people, we will release YOUR election.

Florida Lottery

Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I’m gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I’m now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I’m bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn’t have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card.

But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they’re going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn’t make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn’t ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn’t want to appear like I didn’t know what I was doing. Isn’t it nice of Florida to give the money anyway.

I know, if the FL State Lottery won’t give me the money, I’ll just sue them!!!

Excising Florida

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

“This is the last straw,” said Utah senator Orin Hatch. “First Elian Gonzales, now this.”

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

“We’re all pretty much sick of Florida,” said representative Barney Frank. “They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now.” Added Frank, “They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot.”

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. “These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military,” said the Senator to roaring applause.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. “It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed,” said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. “The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean – tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy.”

“Remember,” said Hastert, “every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots.”

Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.

“After that, they’re on their own,” said Hastert. “I hope they sink.”