- You say ‘mate’ constantly.
- You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
- Anyone not from London is a ‘wanker’.
- Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a ‘Northern Wanker’.
- You have no idea where the North is.
- You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
- The countryside makes you nervous.
- Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
- American tourists no longer annoy you.
- You talk in postcodes. “God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day”.
- You can’t remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
- You didn’t realise that ‘Paddington Green’ is REAL.
You’re from Buffalo, New York If….
- You refer to downtown Buffalo as “The City”
- “Vacation” means going to Allegheny for the week.
- You measure distance in hours.
- You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
- You’ve used your back porch or the trunk of your car as a fridge/deep freeze. (Ahhh, winter…)
- You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
- You use a down comforter in the summer.
- You drive at 65 mph through a raging blizzard, without flinching.
- People say they live in Buffalo when their mailing address is West Seneca.
- You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.
- There is a mini mall every 1/4 mile; if not, you’re in Niagara County.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
- There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Wegman’s at any given time.
- You design your grandkid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
- You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
- It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you’re in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
- You know to avoid tractor trailers 190 with Canadian Plates.
- It’s POP DAMMIT! And people who call it Soda make you want to slap them.
- You don’t consider what Domino’s or Pizza Hut sell as real Pizza.
- You know that ‘First Night’ isn’t a Sean Connery movie.
- There is no such thing as waiting for the left turn arrow at an intersection.
- Your career ambition is to work for NY State.
- Even with the slightest threat of snow, you know that only the Buffalo City schools are closed.
- There is nothing International about Buffalo’s Airport.
- You can spell and say ‘Cheektowaga’ and ‘Lackawanna.’
- You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Upstate NY.
Your Starship Captain Might Be a Cajun If…
- All security personnel are required to wear coon skin caps.
- He keeps referring to the shuttlecraft as a pirouge.
- There’s an LSU bumper sticker on a warp necelle that says “Geaux Tigers.”
- His favorite Holodeck program is called “tho’ down at de fais do do.”
- Every time you dock at a Star Base, he asks to see the “Cock o’ de Walk.”
- He programs the replicator for Boudin.
- He calls the phasers “scatter-guns.”
- He calls photon torpedoes “slugs.”
- He refers to Klingons as Catfish.
- His hand phaser is shaped like a Bowie Knife.
- He loves Klingon food.
- He refers to Romulan Ale as Stromberry Wine.
- His ready room has a porch.
- His Science Officer’s name is Gaston.
- The Red Alert alarm sounds like an accordian.
- He refers to the Romulan Web as a “Gill Net.”
- The main computer password is “show me your tits.”
- He thinks “Q” is from Arkansas.
- He signals Red Alert by saying “Sacre!”
- He has twenty-seven girlfriends throughout the Galaxy, and they’re all named Marie.
- When he fights a Klingon Warbird, the first thing he does is shine a spotlight in their eyes.
Canada
Back in the 1800s, when Canada’s founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up.
One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. “USA is simple. It’s catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that’s our name. What do you think, eh?”
Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.
“C, eh……N, eh…….D, eh”
You May Be a Canadian If…
- You stand in “line-ups” at the movie, not lines.
- You’re not offended by the term “Homo Milk”
- You understand the phrase, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine”.
- You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
- You drink pop, not soda.
- You know what it means to be on pogey.
- You know that a mickey and a 2-4 means “Party at the camp, eh!!”
- You don’t hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
- You can drink legally while still a teen.
- You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
- You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
- You don’t know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
- When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
- You’re not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don’t want to know if he has!
- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
- Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
- You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
- You sit on a couch not a chesterfield – that is some small town in Quebec!
- You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
- You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
- You know that Thrills are something to chew and “taste like soap”.
- You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that”.
- You read rather than scanned this list.
Top Reasons for Being a Canadian
- Can bask in a sense of national security without having to worry about such messy details as providing for your own defense.
- Can mispronounce the “ou” sound and get away with it.
- Have wonderful (free) medical care at your disposal, just a short drive to the hospital (or right at home, if you’re not in a hurry).
- Can misspell “color” (and “humor”) and get away with it.
- Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.
- Almost as much confusion about official language as the Americans.
- REAL unspoiled wilderness (without restrooms & vending machines).
- Spontaneous arrogance.
- Maggie Trudeau, eh?
You’re Probably a Ched If….
- You had a polka band instead of a string quartet at your wedding reception.
- You own a cheese-head or necktie. And have worn it in public. At Lambeau Field or Milwaukee County Stadium.
- You say “Ja hey dere once, eh?” more than once a day.
- You get offended by “Sven and Olie” jokes.
- You could polka before you could walk.
- You went to Sheboygan for your honeymoon.
- You have flipped off a F.I.B. more than twice in the last week.
- Your favorite food is hotdish.
- You flew your flag at half mast for a week after the great Oscar Meyer fire of ’91.
- “Second Week in Deer Camp” brings a tear to your eye.
- You do it doggie-style in winter so you and your partner can both keep watching the hockey game.
- You know more than 17 different ways to cook brats.
- Your mother gave you Leinie’s rather than milk in your baby bottle.
- You have a gnome or a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- You get withdrawal symptoms after three days without green jello.
- You have ever tipped a cow. When sober.
- You have ever eaten an entire Hillshire Farms Christmas gift pack in one sitting.
- You drink from a bubbler.
- You have ever bowled more than 10 consecutive games.
- You have memorized every line from “Strange Brew.”
- You appeared at Lambeau field wearing only a g-string and green paint.
- You are related to the National Sheepshead Champion.
- Your family pet is named “Bossie”.
- You have ever had a date with Ms. Dairyland 20xx.
- You had your wedding reception at a bowling alley.
- You own the CD of “25 Great Accordian Hits”. And can play along with it.
- Laverne and Shirley are your all-time heros.
- You have ever been mistaken for a Yooper.
- You seldom can remember the week after Oktoberfest.
- You considered suicide after Paul Molitor got traded.
- You have ever worn a bowling shirt with your name embroidered on it to church.
- You have ever spent more than 72 consecutive hours in an ice-fishing hut.
- You have ordered pizza with sauerkraut on it (more than once.)
Measuring the Cold
- +60/+15 C
Californians put on sweaters.
Coloradans put on shorts.
People in Span wear winter coats and gloves.
Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan. - +50/+10 C
Miami residents turn on the heat.
Californians break out the heavy winter coats, hats, and gloves.
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens. - +45/+7 C
Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. - +40/+5 C
You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesoootans go swimming.
Coloradans might break out a light jacket.
Finns are out cruising in cabriolets - +35
Italian cars don’t start. - +32/+0 C
Water freezes. - +30
You plan your vacation in Australia.
Californians weep pitiably. - +25/-5 C
Ohio water freezes.
People in California almost freeze to death.
Minnesoootans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
Coloradans will wear that jacket, and maybe gloves.
The Finns have their final barbeque before winter. - +20
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south. - +15/-10 C
French cars don’t start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.
The British start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves. - +10
You need jumper cables to get the car going. - +5/-15 C
American cars don’t start. - 0/-18 C
Alaskans put on T-shirts.
Coloradans admit it is cold.
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. - -10/-23 C
German cars don’t start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink. - -15/-26 C
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist. - -20/-29 C
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesoootans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don’t start. - -25/-32 C
Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
People in Greece die from the cold.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors. - -30/-34 C
You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don’t start. - -40/-40 C
Californians disappear.
Minnesoootans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
Paris starts cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands. - -50/-45 C
Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
Polar Bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather. - -80/-62 C
Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
Santa’s home freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors. - -90/-68 C
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
The false Santa moves south.
Finns can’t store their Kossu outdoors any longer.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training. - -100/-73 C
Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.
The Finns start saying, “Perkele, it’s cold outside today.”.
Contraceptives are Useless
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy… but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely
Bubba Brickhead
Morgantown, West Virgina
Cultural Differences Explained
- Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. - Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job. - Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. - Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. - Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. - Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. - Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backwards country. - Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. - Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.