Your Starship Captain Might Be a Cajun If…

  • All security personnel are required to wear coon skin caps.
  • He keeps referring to the shuttlecraft as a pirouge.
  • There’s an LSU bumper sticker on a warp necelle that says “Geaux Tigers.”
  • His favorite Holodeck program is called “tho’ down at de fais do do.”
  • Every time you dock at a Star Base, he asks to see the “Cock o’ de Walk.”
  • He programs the replicator for Boudin.
  • He calls the phasers “scatter-guns.”
  • He calls photon torpedoes “slugs.”
  • He refers to Klingons as Catfish.
  • His hand phaser is shaped like a Bowie Knife.
  • He loves Klingon food.
  • He refers to Romulan Ale as Stromberry Wine.
  • His ready room has a porch.
  • His Science Officer’s name is Gaston.
  • The Red Alert alarm sounds like an accordian.
  • He refers to the Romulan Web as a “Gill Net.”
  • The main computer password is “show me your tits.”
  • He thinks “Q” is from Arkansas.
  • He signals Red Alert by saying “Sacre!”
  • He has twenty-seven girlfriends throughout the Galaxy, and they’re all named Marie.
  • When he fights a Klingon Warbird, the first thing he does is shine a spotlight in their eyes.

A Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If…

  • if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
  • if he says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”
  • if that “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs
  • if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
  • if he calls his young apprentice, “Juner(JR)”
  • if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
  • if the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family
  • if he calls Hank Williams Jr. “Master”
  • if his landspeeder has a gun rack
  • if he meditiates to old CCR records
  • if he calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy.
  • if he has ever said, “Anger… fear…aggression… Yankees…the dark side are they.”
  • if his X-Wing has a still in it
  • if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base
  • if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid
  • if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them
  • if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock
  • if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill
  • if he uses Jawas for a drink holder
  • if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
  • if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
  • if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
  • if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth
  • if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.
  • if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored
  • if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
  • if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
  • if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
  • if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
  • if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling
  • if his father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
  • if he’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light
  • if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery
  • if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest
  • if his father’s name is Garth Vader
  • if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids
  • if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister
  • if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
  • if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power
  • if he’s ever used a light saber to skin a deer

If Bill Clinton Were in Star Wars…

  • “Well, it depends on your definition of ‘father’, Luke.”
  • “Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?”
  • “I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military… Okay, now I don’t.”
  • “Oh-h-h, you’re looking for a little *WOOKIE*… Well, that’s different.”
  • “Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I’m your father, too. And that Queen chick? I’m her daddy for sure. And Leia’s. And Lando’s, Boba Fett’s, Jabba the Hutt’s, Chewie’s…”
  • “Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!”
  • “I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music.”
  • “Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster — and make it look like a suicide.”
  • “I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky.”
  • “It’s a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away — and I’m still a lyin’ weasel.”
  • “Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac — not excuses.”
  • “Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work.”
  • “These are not the droids you’re looking for, Ma’am. Say, it’s getting hot in here — you might want to take off your top.”
  • “She’s my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain’t an obstacle!”

Vader Strikes Back

There’s going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1…

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY – MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

  • Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
  • Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
  • Darth Vader: No… I am your father!
  • Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.
  • Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…
  • Luke: NO!
  • Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
  • Luke: Threepio?
  • Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…
  • Luke: No…
  • Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…
  • Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
  • Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
  • Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…
  • Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”
  • Luke: Shut up…
  • Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
  • Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon
  • Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here, baby!
  • {Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}
  • Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…
  • {Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}
  • {Darth Vader looks after him.}
  • Darth Vader: Get a haircut!