- You say ‘mate’ constantly.
- You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
- Anyone not from London is a ‘wanker’.
- Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a ‘Northern Wanker’.
- You have no idea where the North is.
- You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
- The countryside makes you nervous.
- Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
- American tourists no longer annoy you.
- You talk in postcodes. “God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day”.
- You can’t remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
- You didn’t realise that ‘Paddington Green’ is REAL.
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called “Y1K Bug,” a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be rewritten to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
“We should have seen it coming,” says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. “What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse — The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won’t know whether we are talking about time or distance!”
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos. A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.