You’re Probably a Ched If….

  • You had a polka band instead of a string quartet at your wedding reception.
  • You own a cheese-head or necktie. And have worn it in public. At Lambeau Field or Milwaukee County Stadium.
  • You say “Ja hey dere once, eh?” more than once a day.
  • You get offended by “Sven and Olie” jokes.
  • You could polka before you could walk.
  • You went to Sheboygan for your honeymoon.
  • You have flipped off a F.I.B. more than twice in the last week.
  • Your favorite food is hotdish.
  • You flew your flag at half mast for a week after the great Oscar Meyer fire of ’91.
  • “Second Week in Deer Camp” brings a tear to your eye.
  • You do it doggie-style in winter so you and your partner can both keep watching the hockey game.
  • You know more than 17 different ways to cook brats.
  • Your mother gave you Leinie’s rather than milk in your baby bottle.
  • You have a gnome or a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • You get withdrawal symptoms after three days without green jello.
  • You have ever tipped a cow. When sober.
  • You have ever eaten an entire Hillshire Farms Christmas gift pack in one sitting.
  • You drink from a bubbler.
  • You have ever bowled more than 10 consecutive games.
  • You have memorized every line from “Strange Brew.”
  • You appeared at Lambeau field wearing only a g-string and green paint.
  • You are related to the National Sheepshead Champion.
  • Your family pet is named “Bossie”.
  • You have ever had a date with Ms. Dairyland 20xx.
  • You had your wedding reception at a bowling alley.
  • You own the CD of “25 Great Accordian Hits”. And can play along with it.
  • Laverne and Shirley are your all-time heros.
  • You have ever been mistaken for a Yooper.
  • You seldom can remember the week after Oktoberfest.
  • You considered suicide after Paul Molitor got traded.
  • You have ever worn a bowling shirt with your name embroidered on it to church.
  • You have ever spent more than 72 consecutive hours in an ice-fishing hut.
  • You have ordered pizza with sauerkraut on it (more than once.)

Application to Live in Northern Wisconsin

  1. Name:_______________________________________________
  2. Nickname:________________
    C.B. Handle_________________
  3. Mobile Home Color:
    ____ Two-tone, Brown and White
    ____ Two-tone, Pink and White
    ____ Faded Green
  4. Daddy: (if unknown, attach list of three suspects):

    _______________ ______________ _____________

  5. Mama: _____________
  6. Neck Shade
    ____ Light Red
    ____ Medium Red
    ____ Dark Red
  7. Number of teeth in exposed full grin
    ____ Upper
    ____ Lower
  8. Model of pickup truck:__________
    Size of tires: _____________
  9. ____ Number of beer cans on floor of pickup truck
  10. Truck equipped with:
    ____ Gun Rack
    ____ Mud Flaps
    ____ Camper Top
    ____ Air Horn
    ____ American Flag
    ____ 4-W Drive
    ____ 8-Track
    ____ Rust
    ____ Fuzz Buster
    ____ Roll Bar
    ____ C.B.
    ____ Dents
    ____ Load of wood
    ____ Mud Tires
    ____ Deer poaching spot light
    ____ Playboy emblem hanging from rearview mirror
    ____ Woman’s garter hanging from rearview mirror
    ____ Pine tree air freshener hanging from rearview mirror
  11. Bumper Stickers
    ____ Honk if You’re Horny
    ____ *uck ’em Bucky
    ____ Almost Heaven, Hayward
    ____ Where the Hell is Rhinelander?
    ____ Feminazis for Kohl

    ____ Wisconsin State Bird: Mosquito
    ____ Ducks Unlimited

    ____ Walleyes Unlimited
    ____ Tommy Bartlett Water Show
    ____ Nuke Illinois
    ____ Eat Cheese or Die

    ____ Cheddarheads for Bush
    ____ You’ll Get My Gun When You Pry My Cold Dead Fingers From Around The Barrel
    ____ The Pack is Back (on bumper since 1973)
  12. Favorite Meal:
    ____ Anything fried in lard
    ____ Pickled pigs feet
    ____ Bratwurst and Old Milwaukee
    ____ Venison sausage and Old Milwaukee
    ____ Cheesecurds and Old Milwaukee
    ____ Green bean and mushroom soup casserole
    ____ Slim Jims and lime Jell-o
  13. Favorite Music:
    ____ Country
    ____ Western
    ____ Country Western
    ____ Anything played by an accordian
  14. Favorite Recreation:
    ____ Deer Huntin
    ____ Snowmobilin
    ____ Fishin with live bait
    ____ Watching Green Acres reruns

    ____ Deer huntin while drinking
    ____ Snowmobilin while drinking
    ____ Fishin with live bait while drinking
    ____ Watchin Green Acres while drinking
  15. Favorite Weapon:
    ____ .22
    ____ 30/30
    ____ 30/06
    ____ Ice auger
    ____ Chain saw
    ____ Tire iron
    ____ Forehead
    ____ Wife
  16. Favorite Fragrance:
    ____ Wet dogs
    ____ WD-40
    ____ Old Milwaukee
    ____ Minnow bucket
    ____ Frying Spam
    ____ Diesel fuel
    ____ A paper mill on a hot day in August
    ____ Fish guts after a week in the trash (in the garage) in August
    ____ Any scent eminating from a bodily orifice
  17. Favorite Cap Emblem:
    ____ Old Milwaukee
    ____ Stihl
    ____ Blatz
    ____ Skoal
    ____ Packers
    ____ Pabst
    ____ John Deere
    ____ Hamms
    ____ Brewers
    ____ Point Beer
    ____ Old Fart
    ____ Old Style
  18. Favorite Reading:
    ____ Fishing Facts
    ____ TV Guide
    ____ Beer Bottle Labels
    ____ Enquirer
    ____ Guns & Ammo
    ____ Today’s Mercenary
    ____ Polka Digest
    ____ Aryan Review
    ____ Welfare Application
    ____ Sports Illustrated (swimsuit edition only)
  19. ____ Length of Right Leg:
    ____ Length of Left Leg
  20. Things in Your Front Yard:
    ____ Various kitchen appliances
    ____ Piles of split wood
    ____ Cars on blocks

    ____ Dismantled snowmobiles
    ____ Dog run with all the grass worn away down to rock hard dirt
    ____ Broken, metal frame, screen gazebo
    ____ Deer hanging from tree limb–in season
    ____ Deer Hanging from tree limb–out of season
    ____ Wood cut-out of bent over woman
  21. When was your last sighting of Elvis?:
    _________________
  22. Do you wear mostly polyester pant with snags?:
    ____ yes
    ____ no
  23. Do you own any shoes? (not counting boots):
    ____ yes
    ____ no
  24. Are you married to any of the following:
    ____ Sister
    ____ Cousin
    ____ Cousin’s sister
  25. Can you beat your wife at arm wrestling?
    ____ yes
    ____ no
  26. Typical Greeting:
    ____ Good Morning, dere
    ____ Dem Packers is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dem Brewers is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dem Badgers is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dem Bucks is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dey should take da whole buncha dem Madison liberals and queers and line em up and shoot em.
    ____ Dey should just let dem Indians spear dose idiots at the DNR
    ____ Ya, hey
  27. Favorite Tavern Name:
    ____ County Trunk Bar
    ____ Dew Drop Inn
    ____ Deer Drop Inn
    ____ Deer Droppings Inn
    ____ LakeSide Supper Club
    ____ LakeView Supper Club
    ____ LakeWood Supper Club
    ____ PineSide Supper Club
    ____ PineView Supper Club
    ____ PineWood Supper Club
  28. Favorite Automobile:
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with transmission
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala transmission
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala transmission and ’71 Buick LeSabre engine
  29. Farthest Point South Ever Traveled:
    ____ County Trunk GG
    ____ County Trunk CC
    ____ County Trunk Bar
    ____ Winter
    ____ Polar
    ____ Klondike
    ____ Maple
    ____ Poplar
    ____ Birchwood
    ____ Manitowish
    ____ Namekagon
    ____ Ojibwa
    ____ Peru
    ____ Scandinavia
    ____ Athens
    ____ Irma
    ____ Helma
    ____ Loretta
    ____ Beaver
    ____ An ice shanty on the Flambeau Flowage
  30. Most Memorable Event You’ve Ever Attended
    ____ Minocqua Moose Call Competition
    ____ Phelps Mister Potato Carnival
    ____ Gleason Grouse Mating Gala
    ____ Herbster Jaycees Seagull Doo-Doo Days
    ____ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
    ____ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
    ____ Spread Eagle International Proctologists Convention
    ____ Chetek Carp Queen Beauty Contest and Carp Cuisine Cook-Off
    ____ Eagle River Shout-Off for the Deaf (held week after the snowmobile races)

Your Signature (an X will do): ________________________________