Signs You’re Going To Have A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving

by H. Kent Craig
  • Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will “be regular” afterwards.
  • Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.
  • Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his “piece” in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.
  • Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.
  • Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of “Redman” chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.
  • Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new “best friend” as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.
  • Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who’s doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.
  • Uncle Peter, who’s legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps “accidentally” nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.
  • 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball “rock” he just bought from your Dad.
  • Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe’ by pouring some his famous homemade ‘shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter’s head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday.