A Farmer’s Will

  • TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
  • TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
  • TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He’ll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
  • TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
  • TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
  • TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He’s had his eye on it for years.
  • TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They’re used to carrying me.
  • TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
  • TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don’t bother. The hole I’m in should be big enough.
  • TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: “Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations.”

You Might Be A Farmer If…

  • Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
  • You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
  • You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
  • You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
  • You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
  • You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
  • You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
  • You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
  • You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
  • You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
  • You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.