You Might Be From Denver If…

  • You hear the number “82” and grab a shovel. (As in Blizzard of ’82)
  • You merge onto the highway at 15 miles an hour.
  • You have absolutely no recognizable accent.
  • If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it “Muggy”.
  • You only go to Lodo when friends are in from out of town.
  • You have been skiing less than 3 times in your life.
  • You actually think 5-Points is a ghetto.
  • You are the third car to run a red light after it has changed.
  • You say things like “I don’t care how big Parker is, it’s still a one-horse town”.
  • You think only stupid people get lost in this town.
  • When giving directions, you never say “Turn left, turn right”, it’s always go West, then South.
  • You know where the city ended when you were a kid, and would never move further out than that boundary.
  • You hear “Governor Owens” and you still think they’re talking about some other state’s governor.
  • There is not enough money in the world to get you to move to the Springs.
  • During a thunderstorm you wonder “Which I-25 underpass is flooding”.
  • You never plan a picnic between 3:30 and 6:00 in Spring or Summer months.
  • If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.
  • Thornton, Northglenn and Westminster are “Another State”.
  • You voted for higher taxes to fund Coors field, but voted down taxes for public transportation.
  • You have a broken windshield.
  • You see no reason to travel to Aurora.
  • The only RTD bus you’ve been on is the 16th Street shuttle.
  • Bear chases are televised for hours.
  • The two major newspapers have the same owner, yet one insists on making its on rules regarding what to call the new stadium.
  • The biggest event of the year is the Western Stock Show.

Terms:

  • Big Mac = A sports venue, not a hamburger. (Now extinct)
  • LoDo = A tourist trap with expensive condos, not an extinct bird.
  • “Little California” = Highlands Ranch
  • The Springs = Colorado Springs, where the religious freaks live.
  • Independent Republic of Boulder = Where the rest of the freaks live.
  • The Donkeys = The Broncos when they are losing.
  • “Californicators” = Californians
  • “Ass-Holes” = Texans
  • “The Narrows” = I-25 between University and Broadway
  • “Jolly Green Giant’s Golf Balls” = Buckley A.N.G.
  • “tourists” = people driving on the 16th Street Mall.
  • “Damn Rockies” = What one says looking for a parking spot Downtown.

Limited Edition Colorado Barbie

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Colorado Market:

  • Highlands Ranch Barbie
    This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.
  • Englewood Barbie
    This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
  • Colfax Barbie
    This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
  • Cherry Creek Barbie
    This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
  • Commerce City Barbie
    This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchuse her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker bsolutely free.
  • Aspen Barbie
    This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available.
  • Thornton Barbie
    This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Commerce City Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
  • Boulder Barbie
    This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
  • Ft. Collins Barbie
    She’s basically Boulder Barbie, but with all the accessories of Highlands Ranch Barbie, plus a kayak and mountain bike. Ft. Collins Ken includes a teeny tiny little Ph.D. diploma in entomology, which enables him to double as a professional fly-fishing-consultant action figure ($1200 graphite fly rod and miniature accessories licensed from Orvis sold separately)
  • Aurora Barbie
    This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
  • Arvada Barbie
    She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is cause he’s always hunting.
  • Greeley Barbie
    This Spanish Speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.
  • Four Corners Barbie
    This Barbie is the only Native American Barbie, She sits in a booth and sells Native American Art for large sums of money to tourists.
  • Rifle Barbie
    This Barbie comes with various bruises and several restraining orders. Front teeth missing, but optional denture is available as well as broken down barrel horse and shot glass collection.
  • Glenwood Springs Barbie
    This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.