Tag Archives: men

Why It’s Great to be a Guy

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  • Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
  • You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
  • A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • Old friends don’t care if you’ve lost or gained weight.
  • When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
  • You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you everywhere you go.
  • You can go to the bathroom alone.
  • Your last name stays put.
  • You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
  • You can kill your own food.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
  • Cleaning the toilet is optional.
  • You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
  • None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  • You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  • You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
  • If you’re 34 and single, no one notices.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  • Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything.
  • You never have to worry about other’s feelings.
  • Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  • You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  • You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
  • You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
  • One mood, all the time.
  • You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
  • Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks.
  • You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
  • You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s.
  • The remote is yours and yours alone.
  • You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom.
  • If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  • New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
  • If you retain water, it is in a canteen.

Why Cybersex is Better

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  • If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
  • Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
  • If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
  • You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
  • Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
  • Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
  • Three words: No shotgun weddings.
  • All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
  • They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
  • If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

Continuing Education Courses for Men

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  • Meaningful Communication: Where No Man Has Gone Before
  • The Undiscovered Side of Baking: You Do It
  • Combating the Couch Potato Syndrome: Surprise, The NFL (NBA, etc) Does NOT Require Your Nightly Patronage to Remain On-air!
  • Parties: How to Go Home with Whoever You Came With
  • Woman Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Be Done By You Too!
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: Putting Down the Seat
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: Toothpaste, On the Brush, Not in the Sink
  • Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You…
  • Communication Skills I: How to Speak Intelligibly
  • Communication Skills II: Keeping Your “Word”
  • Communication Skills III: Getting/Keeping The Girl You Want Requires the Removal of These Words from Your Speech Pattern…
  • Driving a Car Safely: You Can DO it!
  • Party Etiquette: Avoiding Alcohol After You Can’t Stand Upright
  • Telephone Skills: How to Use One, and NOT Two Weeks After Receiving Her Number
  • Introduction to Parking
  • Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
  • Overcoming Stupid Behavior: Don’t Treat Her Different When Your Friends Are Around
  • liquid Grain Storage: On Your Stomach, It is Fat
  • Cooking I: How to Eat IN
  • Cooking II: How to NOT Have Heart Attack By Age 21
  • Cooking III: How to Inflict a Diet on YOURSELF
  • Compliments: How to Give Them
  • PMS: You Try It
  • Dancing: Why Men Ought To
  • Sex – How to Slow Down
  • Classic Clothing: How To Match
  • Cleaning: She Is Not Your Momma
  • Laundry: How to Do It
  • Intense Discussion About the Functions of Your Car: For Men Only
  • Oil and Gas: Your Hair, Your Intestines. Problems NOT for Public Demonstration
  • Learning to Ask Directions
  • Appreciating Soaps, Colognes, etc…
  • “How Was I?” – Why Women lie
  • TV Remotes: Not Your Personal Property
  • Sexy lingerie: The Difference Between SEXY and Risque

The Key to Bra Sizes

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Men, ya ever wonder what those bra cup size really mean? I’ve found the secret.


  • A — “A”lmost boobs.
  • B — “B”arely there.
  • C — “C”an do.
  • D — “D”amn good.
  • E — “E”normous.
  • F — “F”ake.
  • G — “G”igantic.
  • H — “H”umongous.
  • I — “I”ncredible.

Signs She is Bored Having Sex With You

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  • After you request sex she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”
  • Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
  • Actually answers when you ask “Who’s your daddy?”
  • Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
  • Only moans during commercial breaks.
  • Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
  • Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
  • Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
  • You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
  • Beginning to think she is only “playing” dead.
  • During the act, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.”
  • Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
  • Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
  • Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
  • Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
  • Boredom? So that’s why she keeps deflating!!
  • Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
  • Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
  • She yells out her own name.
  • Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Bedtime Prayer for Men

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As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.

One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!

One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.

Amen.

Signs You Had a Bad First Date

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  • Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.
  • You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
  • She has a thicker mustache than you.
  • When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
  • Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
  • You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
  • You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.
  • At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
  • She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
  • You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
  • At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
  • You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
  • She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
  • She is better hung than you.
  • She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

The Bachelor Commandments

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  1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
  2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriend’s friends unless you’re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
  3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
  4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a “slump”.
  5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a “lull”.
  6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
  7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
  8. Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
  9. Thou shalt never admit to “hogging,” it is always “a temporary alcohol induced standards derating”.
  10. Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having “a good personality”.
  11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
  12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
  13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
  14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor’s wife unless she covets back.
  15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.

All About Men

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  • The nice men are ugly.
  • The handsome men are not nice.
  • The handsome and nice men are gay.
  • The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
  • The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
  • The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
  • The handsome men without money are after our money.
  • The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
  • The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
  • The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank, heaven, are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
  • The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW … WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

100 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Guy

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  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
  16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
  27. You never have to clean the toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
  37. If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  41. Chocolate is just another snack.
  42. You can be president.
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  44. Flowers fix everything.
  45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
  69. Same work….more pay.
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
  73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
  77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
  79. ESPN’s sports center.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell you friends you’ve changed.
  86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “F*#k it!”
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
  99. Baywatch
  100. There is always a game on somewhere.