- It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.” - It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.” - It says: “Installing program to C:
….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you’ll NEVER find them.” - It says: “Please insert disk 11”
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.” - It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.” - It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…” - It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.” - It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.” - It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”
Computer Viruses
- PBS Virus
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. - Elvis Virus
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. - Ollie North Virus
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. - Nike Virus
Just does it. - Sears Virus
Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. - Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again. - Kevorkian Virus
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. - Health Care Virus
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. - George Bush Virus
It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs… no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. - Colin Powell Virus
Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. - Bill Clinton Virus
Corrupts your help files by fondling them, then denies anything has happened. - Hillary Clinton Virus
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. - Barack Obama Virus
We are not sure where this one came from, but it spends every cent you and your entire state will ever earn for the next 10 generations on family vacations and then asks for time off. - O.J. Simpson Virus
You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it. - Bob Dole Virus
Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat. - Bobbitt Virus
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.) - Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200GB. - Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C: - Politically Correct Virus
Never identifies itself as a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”. - Arnold Schwarzeneggar Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. - Dan Quayle Virus
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt! - Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. - Texas Virus
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file. - Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple. - Airline Luggage Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. - Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own mother board. - Star Trek Virus
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Computer Points to Ponder
- Do Viruses ever get sick?
- Do witches run spell checkers?
- Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- How come programmers find it so easy to master the special language that runs computers, yet those same folks who write the technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?
- How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the programmers or analysts?
- How do you press F1 when your PC has a keyboard error or no keyboard present?
- If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
- If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren’t there more happy Windows 8 users?
- If we can make semiconductors, why can’t we make complete conductors?
- If you access the Internet from the country, does that mean you have a down home page?
- In DoubleSpace, can anyone hear your data scream?
- In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing the word ‘zzzz’ to ‘sex’ ?
- Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free disks?
- Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?
- Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
- Just where is the “any” key anyway?
- Was Jimi Hendrix’s modem a Purple Hayes?
- What kind of locks do computer keys open?
- When you turn your computer monitor off, does the screen saver still work?
- Which one is the fatherboard?
- Who actually clicks on the “No, I am not over 18” links on “adult” pages?
- Why are disks called floppy and paper is hardcopy?
- Why can’t they make mainframes PC compatible?
- Why do computer users only blink an average of 7 times per minute, while the average person blinks 22 times per minute?
- Why do most software developers call bugs they can’t fix, features?
- Why do some on-line modem access software programs tell you to go and download the latest version of the software if you can’t get the product to work? Just how are you going to do that?
- Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest impact?
- Why do we call it downloading when as often as not it’s freeloading?
- Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 people working 20 years make?
- Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
- Why does the “save” icon on Microsoft Word show a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards? This is not very reassuring!
- Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?
- Why doesn’t the ‘esc’ key work in Leavenworth?
- Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename”?
- Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little buttons?
- Why is it that whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition?
- Why do people insist on telling everybody to go and check their homepage but don’t actually let you record your checkmark?
- Don’t you just hate it when you’ve completely finished your newly created web page…..and the server goes down as you’re uploading?
Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- The lights are on but nobody’s home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter
Computer One-Liners
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- The secret of the universe is #@*%! NO CARRIER
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Error, no keyboard — press F1 to continue.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Double your drive space — delete Windows!
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking?
- My computer isn’t that nervous…it’s just a bit ANSI.
- Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
- Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
- Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
- Never violate the Prime Directory! C:
- Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…
- Maniac: An early computer built by nuts…
- Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk…
- Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes…
- Captain! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
- C:BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
- ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- ‘Calm down — it’s only ones and zeros.’
- ‘…. now touch these wires to your tongue!’
- According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
- It said, ‘Insert disk #3,’ but only two will fit!
- RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
- Computers are only human.
- This time it will surely run.
- I just found the last bug.
- The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
- It’s redundant! It’s redundant!
- Bug? That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
- The programmer’s National Anthem is ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH’
- Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
- Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence…
- To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
- If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
- Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
- Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro…
- Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory…
- Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
- AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
- CCITT – Can’t Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
- This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
- Today’s assembler command: EXOP Execute Operator
- Justify my text? I’m sorry but it has no excuse.
- Programming is an art form that fights back.
- Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
- My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
- Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
- Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Computer Errors Haiku
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Computer Error
Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
And he replied, “It was an ID Ten T Error.”
A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy’s face. “An ID Ten T Error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again?”
He gave her a grin… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?”
“No,” replied Judy.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
(She wrote…) I D 1 0 T
Creation of the Computer
- In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
- And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
- And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
- And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
- And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
- And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
- And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
- And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
- And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
- But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
- And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
- And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
- And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless – since Windows could replace it.
- So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
- And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered – I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to!
- And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
- And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
- And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
- And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
- GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
The Computer Classroom Prank
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the … ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The girl got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
A Prayer for the Computer Addict
God, grant me the serenity to accept a post I cannot change,
Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I’m running late for work,
And the wisdom to know the difference between “come to bed now” meaning “let’s have some fun” and “come to bed NOW” meaning “that computer has got to go”!
-Amen