- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- The secret of the universe is #@*%! NO CARRIER
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Error, no keyboard — press F1 to continue.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Double your drive space — delete Windows!
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking?
- My computer isn’t that nervous…it’s just a bit ANSI.
- Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
- Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
- Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
- Never violate the Prime Directory! C:
- Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…
- Maniac: An early computer built by nuts…
- Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk…
- Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes…
- Captain! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
- C:BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
- ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- ‘Calm down — it’s only ones and zeros.’
- ‘…. now touch these wires to your tongue!’
- According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
- It said, ‘Insert disk #3,’ but only two will fit!
- RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
- Computers are only human.
- This time it will surely run.
- I just found the last bug.
- The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
- It’s redundant! It’s redundant!
- Bug? That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
- The programmer’s National Anthem is ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH’
- Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
- Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence…
- To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
- If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
- Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
- Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro…
- Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory…
- Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
- AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
- CCITT – Can’t Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
- This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
- Today’s assembler command: EXOP Execute Operator
- Justify my text? I’m sorry but it has no excuse.
- Programming is an art form that fights back.
- Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
- My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
- Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
- Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Tag Archives: lists
Are Computers Male or Female?
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
- They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Both sides present compelling arguments. Only you can decide whether your computer is male or female.
You Might Be A Physics Major If…
- if you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
- if you enjoy pain.
- if you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
- if you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
- if you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
- if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
- if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
- if you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
- if you always do homework on Friday nights.
- if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
- if you think in “math.”
- if you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
- if you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
- if you have a pet named after a scientist.
- if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
- if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.
- if you can translate English into Binary.
- if you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”
- if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
- If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
- if you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
- if you consider ANY non-science course “easy.”
- if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
- if the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
- if you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
- if you understood more than five of these indicators.
- if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
About Real Teachers
- Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.
- Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.
- Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
- Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
- Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
- Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
- Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
- Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
- Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
- Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
- Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher’s manuals.
- Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.
- Master teachers can eat faster than that.
- Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
- Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
- Real teachers never teach the conjugations of “lie” and “lay” to eighth graders.
- Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
- Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school students and not hear the giggles.
- Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
- Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
- Real teachers can “sense” gum.
- Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
- Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
- Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
- Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
- Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
- Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
- Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
- Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands.
- Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not “homework paperavores.”
- Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.
- Real teachers do not take “no” for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
- Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
- Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.
Arizona State University Grading System
This is a list of the ways that professors at Arizona State University grade their final exams:
- Department of Statistics
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. - Department of Psychology
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. - Department of History
All students get the same grade they got last year. - Department of Religion
Grade is determined by God. - Department of Philosophy
What is a grade? - English Department
Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester:- 40+ pounds – A
30 pounds – B
20 pounds – C
10 pounds – D
<10 pounds – F - Law School
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. - Department of Mathematics
Grades are variable. - Department of Physics
Grades are relative. but…
All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above. - Department of Chemistry
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above. - Department of Biology
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above. - Department of Logic
If and only if
the student is present for the final
and
the student has accumulated a passing grade
then
the student will receive an A
else
the student will not receive an A. - Department of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade! - Department of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal. - Department of Operations & Logistics Management
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 — NOT 12:01 - Department of Computer Science
Random number generator determines grade, but… YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own. - Music Department
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).
Actual School Excuses
The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:
- Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
- Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
- Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
- Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
- My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
- George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
- Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
- Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
How to Prepare for a New Cat
- Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
- Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
- Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
- Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
- Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won’t be the whole breast.
- Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
- Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).
- Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.
- Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
- Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.
- Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
- Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
- Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
- Take a fork and shred the roll of toliet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
- Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
- Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
- Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
- Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners
- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile”, she enjoys the proximity of food.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).
How to Photograph a Cat
- Put the cat on a pillow.
- Set up your camera.
- Put the cat back on the pillow.
- Get a bowl of food and put it next to the pillow.
- Put the cat back on the pillow.
- Grab the food bowl and follow the cat. As you run, hold the bowl in our cat’s face, tempting her to eat.
- See if the neighbors will come over and pick up the sofa while you snap a picture of the cat underneath.
- Cross the names of your neighbors off the list for your next party.
- Put the cat back on the pillow.
- Place a catnip-stuffed mouse in front of your cat and wait for your cat to go crazy.
- Go back to the pet store and demand a refund.
- Decide on a family portrait with the cat instead.
- To stop the argument over which child gets to pose with the cat, agree to take pictures of each child holding the cat on her lap.
- Tell each child that it doesn’t matter who holds the cat first because you’ll shuffle the pictures after they’re developed and look at them in a different order than the order they were taken.
- Get more cats, one for each child, and go back to step one.
Ten Commandments for the Gentleman Cat
- A Gentleman Cat always has an immaculate shirtfront and paws at all times.
- A Gentleman Cat allows no constraint of his person, even loving restraint.
- A Gentleman Cat does not mew except in extremity. He makes his wishes known and waits.
- When addressed, a Gentleman Cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hadn’t heard.
- When frightened, a Gentleman Cat looks bored.
- A Gentleman Cat takes no interest in other people’s affairs, unless he is directly concerned.
- A Gentleman Cat approaches food slowly, however hungry he may be, and decides at least three feet away whether it is Good, Fair, Passable, or Unworthy. If Unworthy, he pretends to scratch earth over it.
- A Gentleman Cat gives thanks for a Worthy meal by licking the plate so clean that a person might think it had been washed.
- A Gentleman Cat is never hasty when choosing a housekeeper.
- There is no tenth Commandment.