How to Photograph a New Puppy

  • Remove film from box and load camera.
  • Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
  • Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
  • Choose a suitable background for photo.
  • Mount camera on tripod and focus.
  • Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  • Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  • Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  • Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
  • Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
  • Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
  • Put magazines back on coffee table.
  • Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  • Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
  • Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
  • Clean up mess.
  • Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” soon.

How to Photograph a Cat

  • Put the cat on a pillow.
  • Set up your camera.
  • Put the cat back on the pillow.
  • Get a bowl of food and put it next to the pillow.
  • Put the cat back on the pillow.
  • Grab the food bowl and follow the cat. As you run, hold the bowl in our cat’s face, tempting her to eat.
  • See if the neighbors will come over and pick up the sofa while you snap a picture of the cat underneath.
  • Cross the names of your neighbors off the list for your next party.
  • Put the cat back on the pillow.
  • Place a catnip-stuffed mouse in front of your cat and wait for your cat to go crazy.
  • Go back to the pet store and demand a refund.
  • Decide on a family portrait with the cat instead.
  • To stop the argument over which child gets to pose with the cat, agree to take pictures of each child holding the cat on her lap.
  • Tell each child that it doesn’t matter who holds the cat first because you’ll shuffle the pictures after they’re developed and look at them in a different order than the order they were taken.
  • Get more cats, one for each child, and go back to step one.