Category Archives: Fun Lists

You’re Really an Engineer if….

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No matter what you’re current job description, you’re really an engineer if…

  • choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
  • you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • the sales people at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
  • you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
  • you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • you can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • you comment to your wife that her straight hair is collimated.
  • you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
  • you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • you know what http:// stands for.
  • you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
  • you see a good design and still have to change it.
  • you window shop at Radio Shack.
  • your laptop computer costs more than your car.
  • your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
  • you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
  • you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

The Ten Articles of Duct Tape

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  • Article I
    Duct Tape cannot fix everything. I promise to refrain from trying to fix the following things with duct Tape:

    • The National Debt
    • The San Andreas Fault
    • A Broken Heart

  • Article II
    Duct tape should not be forced on others. Some people don’t like duct tape on their house, car, chairs, pants, shoes, gloves, tools, televisions, pets, sports gear, and farm equipment, but that’s their problem. I will learn to be more tolerant of these people and keep my duct tape to myself.

  • Article III
    Other forms of tape are probably still necessary, even with duct tape. I am not sure for what, though.

  • Article IV
    I should never exaggerate when telling my friends about my best duct tape stories. As a duct tape “Adhesive Solutions Engineer,” my true exploits are usually hard enough to believe, anyway.

  • Article V
    There are some things that I should throw away, even with duct tape around. (I know that I may need to ask for help in identifying what these things might be).

  • Article VI
    When I forget to take my duct tape with me, it’s okay…

  • Article VII
    People that don’t use duct tape aren’t bad people — they just don’t know any better.

  • Article VIII
    Duct tape is not all-powerful, although it has many of the same attributes as the Force — it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the whole universe together. (“May the Duct Tape be with you.”)

  • Article IX
    I will never misspell duct tape as duck tape…

  • Article X
    It’s okay to admit that I need duct tape in my life — in as many colours, lengths, and widths as is possible — because nobody is perfect. In other words, everyone can use a little duct tape now and then.

Things You Don’t Want To Hear in a Department Store

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  • “You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?”
  • “Check it out — this one’s good for hiding body parts.”
  • “You know how we can offer such low prices? We buy direct from Wal-Mart!”
  • “Try our new scent — it makes you smell just like Regis.”
  • “Last night after work I got lucky on this couch.”
  • “Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?”
  • “I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator.”
  • “For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs”
  • “Have you seen a chimp in boys’ overalls?”
  • “If you’re interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price”

What Those Credit Card Applications Really Mean

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So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?

  • What it says: “You have demonstrated financial responsibility…”
    What it means: You’re breathing!

  • What it says: “Our membership is difficult to obtain…”
    What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible… in most states!

  • What it says: “We have shortened the application process…”
    What it means: “We need lots of new members fast or we’ll go out of business!”

  • What it says: “You have no predetermined credit limit…”
    What it means: “We’re not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.”

  • What it says: “Exceptional Customer Service…”
    What it means: Except when you need it!

  • What it says: “Trained customer representatives await your call…”
    What it means: “This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?”

  • What it says: “To apply for membership, fill out this short form…”
    What it means: You’ll get the long form later.

  • What it says: “You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else…”
    What it means: “Catch us, if you can!”

  • What it says: “We look forward to receiving your completed application…”
    What it means: “We baited the hook, let’s see if anyone bites!”

  • What it says: “You’ve been pre-approved…”
    What it means: “You’ve been pre-approved to be Rejected!” or “We’ve already prepared your letter of denial”

Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

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  • A few clowns short of a circus.
  • A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • A few beers short of a six-pack.
  • Dumber than a box of hair.
  • A few peas short of a casserole.
  • Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box.
  • The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
  • One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  • One taco short of a combination plate.
  • A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  • All foam, no beer.
  • The cheese slid off her cracker.
  • Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  • Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • As smart as bait.
  • Chimney’s clogged.
  • Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
  • Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
  • Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
  • Forgot to pay her brain bill.
  • Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
  • His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
  • His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
  • If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Receiver is off the hook.
  • Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  • Skylight leaks a little.
  • Slinky’s kinked.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
  • 24 cents short of a quarter.

Signs the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Crazy

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  • Number of kills clearly marked on the side of his truck.
  • He’s paranoid because he’s “always being followed by someone disguised as little children.”
  • His route takes him down your street at precisely 3:30 am every morning.
  • Comes to work wearing only a strategically placed waffle cone.
  • Happy calliope music replaced with Mozart’s “Requiem.”
  • On Tuesdays, drives backwards and demands ice cream from little kids.
  • Ice cream sandwiches come with alfalfa sprouts, Dijon mustard and a pickle.
  • “Ice cream! Get your… HEY, YOU GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TRUCK! …..Ice cream, get your ice cream!…”

Useful Conversions

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For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:

  • Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter
    Eskimo Pi

  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
    Won ton

  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash
    1 microscope

  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
    1 bananosecond

  • Weight an evangelist carries with God
    1 billigram

  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour
    Knot-furlong

  • 65.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling
    1 lite year

  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone
    1 Rod Serling

  • Half of a large intestine
    1 semicolon

  • 1000 aches
    1 megahurtz

  • Basic unit of laryngitis
    1 hoarsepower

  • Shortest distance between two jokes
    A straight line

  • 454 graham crackers
    1 pound cake

  • 1 million-million microphones
    1 megaphone

  • 1 million bicycles
    2 megacycles

  • 2000 mockingbirds
    two kilomockingbirds

  • 10 cards
    1 decacards

  • 1 kilogram of falling figs
    1 Fig Newton

  • 1000 grams of wet socks
    1 literhosen

  • 1 millionth of a fish
    1 microfiche

  • 1 trillion pins
    1 terrapin

  • 10 rations
    1 decoration

  • 100 rations
    1 C-ration

  • 2 monograms
    1 diagram

  • 8 nickels
    2 paradigms

  • 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital
    1 I.V. League

  • 100 Senators
    Not 1 decision.

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If…

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  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road, Part 2

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  • George W. Bush
    We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

  • Barack Obama
    The chicken had to be chased across the road by my security detail. They were supposed to clear the entire golf course because it is closed to everyone today – and any day I want to play golf!

  • Saddam Hussein
    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

  • Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf
    All evil invader chickens must be slaughtered. The chickens are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. As our leader Saddam Hussein said, ‘God is grilling their thighs in hell.’

  • Al Gore
    I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

  • Bill Clinton
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

  • Ralph Nader
    The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

  • Pat Buchanan
    To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

  • Rush Limbaugh
    I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

  • Martha Stewart
    No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. And, did you know you can make the cutest little table decorations from the soft, downy feathers and a few artfully placed chicken droppings?

  • Jerry Falwell
    Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

  • Dr. Seuss
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

  • Grandpa
    In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

  • Barbara Walters
    Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

  • John Lennon
    Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

  • Ronald Reagan
    What chicken?

  • Bill Gates
    I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

  • Albert Einstein
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

  • Johnny Cochran
    Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.

  • The Bible
    And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

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  • KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
  • PLATO: For the greater good.
  • ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
  • KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
  • TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
  • SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  • RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
  • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  • HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

  • ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
    implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

  • LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
  • MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
  • MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
  • FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
  • RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
  • MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
  • JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
  • FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
  • OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
  • DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to crossroads.
  • EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
  • BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
  • RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
  • ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
  • COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?