Business Ideas that Somehow Failed

  • Geriatric City
    Quality housing for older citizens that couldn’t attract retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other amenities.
  • Pump and Hump
    A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.
  • Sticky Wickets
    Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.
  • Hair and Now
    Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.
  • Paradise Lost and Found
    A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in “50,000 mile tune-ups”.
  • UNIX for Hire
    A computer consulting firm that just couldn’t build a long-term customer base.
  • In the Closet
    A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds and new homeowners.
  • Scratch and Sniff
    A new medication for hemorrhoids…available in all your favorite fragrances.

You’ve Been Out of College Too Long When…

  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  • You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
  • You carry an umbrella.
  • You watch the Weather Channel.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
  • You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
  • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  • You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
  • Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
  • Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  • MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
  • You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Pretty good stuff.”
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho’s.
  • “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  • You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  • Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You Know You’re In Trouble When …

  • Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
  • Your suggestion box starts ticking.
  • Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
  • You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
  • The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
  • People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
  • You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
  • The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Silly Warning Labels

Somebody had a contest to see who could make up the stupidest warning labels for various products – these were winners and runners up!

  • On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.”
  • On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
  • On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
  • On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
  • On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
  • On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
  • On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
  • On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
  • On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
  • On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
  • On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
  • On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
  • On Kevorkian’s suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
  • On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
  • On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
  • On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
  • On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
  • On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
  • On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
  • On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
  • On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
  • On a wet suit: Capacity, 1.
  • On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

Dealing With Gifts You Don’t Like

What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)

  • “Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
  • “No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
  • “Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I’m happy!”
  • “No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!”
  • “You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory — what’s it called again?”
  • “You know what? — I’m going to find a special place to put this!”
  • “Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!”
  • “And it’s such an interesting color too!”
  • “You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!”
  • “You shouldn’t have! I mean it — you really shouldn’t have!”

Types of Answers

  • Abusive
    What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?
  • Ambivalence
    Well, it could be yes and it could be no.
  • Amnesia
    I forget.
  • Antipathy
    You would have to ask me that.
  • Amorous
    I love the way you ask that question.
  • Apathy
    I don’t care.
  • Apologetic
    I’m sorry that you have to ask me that.
  • Argumentative
    Are you looking for a fight?
  • Authoritarian
    I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions!
  • Bigotry
    I’m not going to tell someone like you.
  • Blasphemous
    God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
  • Compulsive
    I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
  • Conditional
    Well, it depends.
  • Damnation
    You and your questions can go to hell!
  • Depressed
    You would have to ask me that.
  • Dyslexic
    Gniees sdrawkcab.
  • Egotistical
    I’m the best person to answer that question.
  • Evasive
    Have you done your homework today?
  • Exhausted
    I’m too tired to answer you right now.
  • Flatulent
    That question really stinks!
  • Greedy
    What’s in it for me if I tell you?
  • Hemorrhoids
    You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
  • Hostility
    If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!
  • Hypochondriacal
    The thought of it makes me sick.
  • Ignorance
    I don’t know.
  • Indifference
    It doesn’t matter.
  • Influenza
    You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.
  • Insecure
    I don’t think I want to know the answer to that question.
  • Insensitive
    I don’t care if you don’t know the answer.
  • Insomnia
    I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
  • Intoxicated
    ** BURP **
  • Irreverent
    I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
  • Masturbation
    I can single-handedly answer that question.
  • Narcissism
    Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?
  • Nausea
    That question is going to make me vomit.
  • Nonchalant
    It’s not important.
  • Obstinate
    I’m not going to tell you.
  • Over-Protective
    I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.
  • Over-Sensitive
    How could you ask me a question like that?
  • Paranoid
    You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?
  • Pessimistic
    I’m sure I won’t give the right answer.
  • Procrastination
    I’ll tell you tomorrow.
  • Repetitive
    I already told you the answer once before.
  • Sarcastic
    That’s a stupid question to ask me.
  • Secretive

    • I can’t tell you right now.
    • Seductive
      Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
    • Self-Centered
      Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.
    • Senile
      When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions.
    • Subjective
      It’s all in how you look at the question.
    • Suspicious
      Why are you asking me all these questions?
    • Temperamental
      What the heck do you want to know that for???

Toy Disclaimers

  • No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
  • Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
  • Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
  • Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
  • Some dismemberment may occur.
  • Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
  • Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.
  • Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!
  • In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
  • Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
  • Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
  • Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
  • NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
  • Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Famous Last Words

  • What do you mean, “I’ll be back”?
  • Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
  • Pull the pin and count to what?
  • Which wire was I supposed to cut?
  • I wonder where the mother bear is.
  • I’ve seen this done on TV.
  • These are the good kind of mushrooms.
  • I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.
  • What’s that priest doing here?
  • You look just like Charles Manson.
  • Let it down slowly.
  • Rat poison only kills rats.
  • OK, I’ll go ahead and make your day.
  • It can’t possibly rain for forty days and nights.
  • I’ll get your toast out.
  • Give me liberty or give me death.
  • Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
  • It’s strong enough for both of us.
  • This doesn’t taste right.
  • I can make this light before it changes.
  • Nice doggie.
  • I can do that with my eyes closed.
  • I’ve done this before.
  • Well we’ve made it this far.
  • That’s odd.
  • Hey that’s not a violin.
  • I’ll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
  • I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
  • You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Things That Can Drive a Sane Person Insane

  • The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
  • There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
  • You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
  • The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
  • The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
  • There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
  • You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
  • There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
  • You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
  • Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
  • You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
  • You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
  • Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
  • A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
  • You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
  • The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
  • A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
  • You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.
  • You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
  • You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.