- Geriatric City
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn’t attract retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other amenities. - Pump and Hump
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers. - Sticky Wickets
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices. - Hair and Now
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks. - Paradise Lost and Found
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in “50,000 mile tune-ups”. - UNIX for Hire
A computer consulting firm that just couldn’t build a long-term customer base. - In the Closet
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds and new homeowners. - Scratch and Sniff
A new medication for hemorrhoids…available in all your favorite fragrances.
Category Archives: Fun Lists
You’ve Been Out of College Too Long When…
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
- You carry an umbrella.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
- You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
- Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Pretty good stuff.”
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho’s.
- “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…
- Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
- You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
- Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
- You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You Know You’re In Trouble When …
- Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Silly Warning Labels
Somebody had a contest to see who could make up the stupidest warning labels for various products – these were winners and runners up!
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.”
- On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
- On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
- On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
- On Kevorkian’s suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
- On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
- On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
- On a wet suit: Capacity, 1.
- On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
Dealing With Gifts You Don’t Like
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)
- “Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
- “No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
- “Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I’m happy!”
- “No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!”
- “You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory — what’s it called again?”
- “You know what? — I’m going to find a special place to put this!”
- “Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!”
- “And it’s such an interesting color too!”
- “You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!”
- “You shouldn’t have! I mean it — you really shouldn’t have!”
Types of Answers
- Abusive
What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer? - Ambivalence
Well, it could be yes and it could be no. - Amnesia
I forget. - Antipathy
You would have to ask me that. - Amorous
I love the way you ask that question. - Apathy
I don’t care. - Apologetic
I’m sorry that you have to ask me that. - Argumentative
Are you looking for a fight? - Authoritarian
I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions! - Bigotry
I’m not going to tell someone like you. - Blasphemous
God Dammit, I told you not to ask! - Compulsive
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now! - Conditional
Well, it depends. - Damnation
You and your questions can go to hell! - Depressed
You would have to ask me that. - Dyslexic
Gniees sdrawkcab. - Egotistical
I’m the best person to answer that question. - Evasive
Have you done your homework today? - Exhausted
I’m too tired to answer you right now. - Flatulent
That question really stinks! - Greedy
What’s in it for me if I tell you? - Hemorrhoids
You know, this is a real pain in the butt! - Hostility
If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you! - Hypochondriacal
The thought of it makes me sick. - Ignorance
I don’t know. - Indifference
It doesn’t matter. - Influenza
You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question. - Insecure
I don’t think I want to know the answer to that question. - Insensitive
I don’t care if you don’t know the answer. - Insomnia
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer. - Intoxicated
** BURP ** - Irreverent
I swear to God, you ask too many questions! - Masturbation
I can single-handedly answer that question. - Narcissism
Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great? - Nausea
That question is going to make me vomit. - Nonchalant
It’s not important. - Obstinate
I’m not going to tell you. - Over-Protective
I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer. - Over-Sensitive
How could you ask me a question like that? - Paranoid
You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you? - Pessimistic
I’m sure I won’t give the right answer. - Procrastination
I’ll tell you tomorrow. - Repetitive
I already told you the answer once before. - Sarcastic
That’s a stupid question to ask me. - Secretive
- I can’t tell you right now.
- Seductive
Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you. - Self-Centered
Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters. - Senile
When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions. - Subjective
It’s all in how you look at the question. - Suspicious
Why are you asking me all these questions? - Temperamental
What the heck do you want to know that for???
Toy Disclaimers
- No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
- Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
- Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
- Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
- Some dismemberment may occur.
- Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
- Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.
- Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!
- In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
- Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
- Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
- Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
- NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
- Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
Famous Last Words
- What do you mean, “I’ll be back”?
- Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
- Pull the pin and count to what?
- Which wire was I supposed to cut?
- I wonder where the mother bear is.
- I’ve seen this done on TV.
- These are the good kind of mushrooms.
- I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.
- What’s that priest doing here?
- You look just like Charles Manson.
- Let it down slowly.
- Rat poison only kills rats.
- OK, I’ll go ahead and make your day.
- It can’t possibly rain for forty days and nights.
- I’ll get your toast out.
- Give me liberty or give me death.
- Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
- It’s strong enough for both of us.
- This doesn’t taste right.
- I can make this light before it changes.
- Nice doggie.
- I can do that with my eyes closed.
- I’ve done this before.
- Well we’ve made it this far.
- That’s odd.
- Hey that’s not a violin.
- I’ll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
- I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
- You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
Things That Can Drive a Sane Person Insane
- The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.
- You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.