- Geriatric City
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn’t attract retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other amenities.
- Pump and Hump
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.
- Sticky Wickets
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.
- Hair and Now
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.
- Paradise Lost and Found
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in “50,000 mile tune-ups”.
- UNIX for Hire
A computer consulting firm that just couldn’t build a long-term customer base.
- In the Closet
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds and new homeowners.
- Scratch and Sniff
A new medication for hemorrhoids…available in all your favorite fragrances.
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
- You carry an umbrella.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
- You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
- Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Pretty good stuff.”
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho’s.
- “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
- Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
- You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
- Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
- You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Somebody had a contest to see who could make up the stupidest warning labels for various products – these were winners and runners up!
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.”
- On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
- On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
- On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
- On Kevorkian’s suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
- On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
- On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
- On a wet suit: Capacity, 1.
- On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)
- “Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
- “No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
- “Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I’m happy!”
- “No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!”
- “You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory — what’s it called again?”
- “You know what? — I’m going to find a special place to put this!”
- “Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!”
- “And it’s such an interesting color too!”
- “You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!”
- “You shouldn’t have! I mean it — you really shouldn’t have!”
What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?
Well, it could be yes and it could be no.
You would have to ask me that.
I love the way you ask that question.
I don’t care.
I’m sorry that you have to ask me that.
Are you looking for a fight?
I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions!
I’m not going to tell someone like you.
God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
Well, it depends.
You and your questions can go to hell!
You would have to ask me that.
I’m the best person to answer that question.
Have you done your homework today?
I’m too tired to answer you right now.
That question really stinks!
What’s in it for me if I tell you?
You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!
The thought of it makes me sick.
I don’t know.
It doesn’t matter.
You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.
I don’t think I want to know the answer to that question.
I don’t care if you don’t know the answer.
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
** BURP **
I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
I can single-handedly answer that question.
Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?
That question is going to make me vomit.
It’s not important.
I’m not going to tell you.
I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.
How could you ask me a question like that?
You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?
I’m sure I won’t give the right answer.
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
I already told you the answer once before.
That’s a stupid question to ask me.
- I can’t tell you right now.
Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.
When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions.
It’s all in how you look at the question.
Why are you asking me all these questions?
What the heck do you want to know that for???
- No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
- Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
- Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
- Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
- Some dismemberment may occur.
- Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
- Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.
- Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!
- In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
- Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
- Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
- Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
- NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
- Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
- What do you mean, “I’ll be back”?
- Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
- Pull the pin and count to what?
- Which wire was I supposed to cut?
- I wonder where the mother bear is.
- I’ve seen this done on TV.
- These are the good kind of mushrooms.
- I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.
- What’s that priest doing here?
- You look just like Charles Manson.
- Let it down slowly.
- Rat poison only kills rats.
- OK, I’ll go ahead and make your day.
- It can’t possibly rain for forty days and nights.
- I’ll get your toast out.
- Give me liberty or give me death.
- Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
- It’s strong enough for both of us.
- This doesn’t taste right.
- I can make this light before it changes.
- Nice doggie.
- I can do that with my eyes closed.
- I’ve done this before.
- Well we’ve made it this far.
- That’s odd.
- Hey that’s not a violin.
- I’ll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
- I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
- You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
- The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.
- You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.