Animal Thoughts

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Animals have the darndest thoughts.

  • Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”
  • Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”
  • Dog: “Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!”
  • Goldfish: “The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!”
  • Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!”
  • Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”
  • Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! There’s a new one!”

And Now, for $50,000…

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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the mike.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence — the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week.

“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.

“I’ll try the easier part first.”

The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation…

“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

You Might Be Anal-Retentive If…

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  • you eat the M&Ms in color order.
  • you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
  • you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
  • you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use and they’re all facing the front.
  • all your books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order.
  • you require no less than 230 threads per inch on your sheets. …and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
  • you alphabetize your spices.
  • you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millennium hasn’t begun yet (or that it *has* begun).
  • you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric.
  • you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren’t spelled correctly or grammatically correct.
  • you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle.
  • you collect the little postcards in magazine issues… ..for recycling.
  • every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker… and you correct the original message.
  • you’re on a “calorie-counting” diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your “Big Beef Burrito Supreme”

Wal-Mart Wine

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The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, Professor of Marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, Rhode Island, “There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy,” she said. “The right name is important”

Suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

  • Peanut Noir
  • Big Red Gulp
  • Stagger Home
  • Box O’ Grapes
  • NASCARbernet
  • Nasti Spumante
  • White Trashfindel
  • Chef Boyardeaux
  • Chateau des Moines
  • Grape Expectations
  • Chateau Traileur Doublewide
  • Martha Stewart’s Sour Grapes
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
  • World Championship Wriesling
  • Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”

Are You Male or Female?

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  1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
    a. one
    b. almost a dozen

  2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
    a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
    b. hand your keys over politely

  3. You haven’t shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as:
    a. sexy
    b. gross

  4. At the doctor’s, a common request would be:
    a. “Cough.”
    b. “Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?”

  5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
    a. one cup
    b. two cups

  6. When you’re feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
    a. nothing
    b. “Do I look fat?”

  7. You’ve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
    a. sports legend
    b. tramp

  8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
    a. 35
    b. 14

  9. When you hear the words “hand wash,” the first thing that comes to your mind is:
    a. your car
    b. panty hose

  10. It’s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says, “Do you want a back rub?” You are:
    a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
    b. daydreaming

  11. Your idea of basic pump is:
    a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
    b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

  12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
    a. give
    b. get

SCORING

a = 1 point, b = 2 points

0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

Basic Math

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This riddle MUST be done in your head and NOT using pen and paper.

Take 1000.
And add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add another 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

Now Scroll Down ….

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Did you get 5000? Seems most people do.
The answer actually is …

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4100. Don’t believe it? Try it with your calculator.

Don’t you feel like an idiot? Well… This has been done by MANY. The result always being the same…

Brain Damage Quiz

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Following is a quiz. Please answer all questions honestly, and to the best of your ability, or your answers may not be honest, or to the best of your ability.

  1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other. (T/F)
  2. I can’t unclasp my hands. (T/F)
  3. I can wear my shirts as pants. (T/F)
  4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today. (T/F)
  5. At parties, I like to sit by myself and collect a great deal of saliva. (T/F)
  6. I often mistake my hands for food. (T/F)
  7. I’d rather eat soap than little stones. (T/F)
  8. I never liked room temperature. (T/F)
  9. I line my pockets with hot cheese. (T/F)
  10. My throat is closer than it seems. (T/F)
  11. I am annoyed by the taste of my teeth. (T/F)
  12. Sometimes I feel compelled to count the freckles on my arms over and over until I lose control of my bladder. (T/F)
  13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten. (T/F)
  14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. (T/F)
  15. My patio is covered with killer frost. (T/F)
  16. I’ve lost all sensation in my shirt. (T/F)
  17. I try to swallow at least three times a day. (T/F)
  18. My best friend is a social worker. (T/F)
  19. I’ve always known when to close my eyes. (T/F)
  20. My squirrels don’t know where I am tonight. (T/F)
  21. Little can be said for Luxembourg. (T/F)
  22. No napkin is sanitary enough for me. (T/F)
  23. I walk this way because I have to. (T/F)
  24. Walls impede my progress. (T/F)
  25. I can’t find my marmots. (T/F)
  26. I like mechanics magazines, but I would rather fondle a marine. (T/F)
  27. My uncle is as stupid as paste. (T/F)
  28. I can pet animals by the mouthful. (T/F)
  29. My toes are numbered. (T/F)
  30. Man’s reach should exceed his overbite. (T/F)
  31. People tell me I’m deaf. (T/F)
  32. My beaver won’t go near the water. (T/F)
  33. I can find my ears, but I have to look for them. (T/F)
  34. I don’t like any of my loved ones. (T/F)
  35. Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I’ve done something before. (T/F)
  36. Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I’ve done something before. (T/F)
  37. A good friend should stick to the ceiling when the going gets rough. (T/F)

Brain Teasers

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  1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
  2. How many states are there? (Don’t laugh, some people don’t know)!
  3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty’s torch?
  4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label?
  5. What 2 letters don’t appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
  6. What 2 #s (on that same telephone dial) don’t have letters by them?
  7. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
  8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
  9. On USA flag, is the top stripe red or white?
  10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
  11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter-or clockwise?
  12. Which way does a “no smoking” sign’s slash run?
  13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
  14. Which side of a women’s blouse are the buttons on?
  15. On an NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
  16. Which way do fans rotate?
  17. Whose face is on a dime?
  18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
  19. Do books have even numbered pages on the right or left side?
  20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
  21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
  22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who’s missing?
  23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
  24.  
  25. On which playing card is the cardmaker’s trademark?
  26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
  27. On the back of a $1, what is in the center?
  28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
  29. How many curves are in a standard paper clip?
  30. Does a merry-go-round turn counterclockwise or clockwise?

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The Answers….

  1. Bottom
  2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
  3. right
  4. blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
  5. Q, Z
  6. 1, 0
  7. left
  8. 20
  9. Red
  10. 88
  11. counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
  12. towards bottom right
  13. 12 (no #1)
  14. right
  15. top
  16. clockwise as you look at it
  17. Roosevelt
  18. 8
  19. left
  20. 5
  21. 6
  22. Bashful
  23. 6
  24. Did you notice question #24 was blank?
  25. Ace of spades
  26. left
  27. ONE
  28. *, #
  29. 3
  30. counter

More Brain Teasers

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  1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
  2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
  3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it’s highest, how many rungs are under water?
  4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
  5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
  6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did Sloppy die?
  7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
  8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
  9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
  10. What can go up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up?
  11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
  12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

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    1. Incorrectly.
    2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
    3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
    4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
    5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So… half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
    6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
    7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it’s still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don’t even know how much air is in the hole.)
    8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down…
    9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
    10. An umbrella.
    11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
    12. The temperature.

Caffeine Addict’s Quiz

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Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.

The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

  1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
  2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier?
  3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
  4. Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

  5. Have you ever drunk:
    a) cold coffee?
    b) Right out of the pot?

  6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
  7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
  8. Has anyone ever told you that you “have a problem”?

  9. Do you need coffee:
    a) to get up in the morning?
    b) to get out of bed?
    c) to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

  10. Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
  11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you “Ona mac towanda” (Smells-like-coffee)?
  12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
  13. Have you ever sold personal or other people’s possessions just to get your fix for the day?
  14. Does the phrase “Swiss water decaffeinated” strike terror into your heart?

  15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
    b) …in more than five?
    c) …in your bathroom?

  16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
    b) …because you’re wearing out their hole-punch?
    c) …and it’s bad for the environment?

  17. Do you grind your own coffee?
  18. Do you grow your own coffee?
  19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you’re “drinking their profits”?

  20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
    b) …and his donkey?
    c) …intimately?

  21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

  22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
    b) …that you don’t like?
    c) …because it’s too frustrating?

Response Ratio Addiction Factor(TM) Analysis
Yes No
20-22  0-2 You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are very wise.
17-19  3-5 You are a slightly jagged member of society, life’s okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
 0-16  6-22  What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!? Coffee’s not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?