Aptitude Test

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  1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
  2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills have been taken?
  3. I went to bed at eight o’clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o’clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?
  4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
  5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
  6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
  7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?
  8. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
  9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
  10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what’s the name of the driver?

Answers:

  1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
  2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o’clock, then another at 1:30 and the last at 2 o’clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
  3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between am and pm.
  4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
  5. 9 live sheep.
  6. The match.
  7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
  8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
  9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.
  10. YOU are the driver.

Mind Tricks

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This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a little while. Then it’s even more weird. Just follow the instructions below:

DON’T scroll down too fast, do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.

FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!

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What is:

  • 2+2?
  • 4+4?
  • 8+8?
  • 16+16?

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Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.

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Got it?

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The number you picked was 7.

Ready for another?
Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Don’t advance until you’ve done wach of them. Now, ARROW down, but not too fast, you might miss something………

What is:

  • 1+5
  • 2+4
  • 3+3
  • 4+2
  • 5+1

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Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 10 seconds. Then scroll down.

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QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then scroll down.

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You’re thinking of a carrot.

If not….
you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer ‘carrot’ when given this exercise.

Gay Annual Self-Examination

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Gentlemen, it’s time for your annual “Am I Gay Self-Examination”!
  1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
  2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat… “Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.
  3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in fag training.
  4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he urinates where he pleases.
  5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like the poop chute. Coffee is to be strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim” and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.
  6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
  7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
  8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.

1998 Number Game

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You figure it! It’s amazing!!!!! (Some mathematician was really bored!) DON’T scroll to the bottom of the page yet. It only takes about 30 seconds to do this simple test.

Work it out as you read down. Don’t read the bottom of the page until you have worked it out!!!

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  1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out.
  2. Multiply this number by 2.
  3. Add 5.
  4. Multiply the new number by 50.
  5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748, if you haven’t, add 1747.
  6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

see below…

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RESULTS:

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HERE IT COMES

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You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!
This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to everyone you know.

American Logic

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  • We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
  • We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
  • We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
  • We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
  • We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
  • We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
  • In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
  • We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
  • We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.
  • We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

A Good Cause

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Subject: A good cause

Dear kind-hearted friend…

Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. General Motors executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level… right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.

But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an General Motors executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem… but it’s a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an General Motors exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an General Motors executive $700 will almost replace his per diem.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an General Motors exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive’s portfolio double or triple!

Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING? Your General Motors exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor an General Motors executive. My preference is checked below:

  • [ ] Mid-level Manager
    [ ] Director
    [ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which dept)
    [ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
    [ ] CEO (Contribution: Average General Motors janitor monthly salary x 700)
    [ ] Entire Company
    [ ] I’ll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the General Motors executive I have sponsored, along with my very own General Motors “Keep America Strong Sponsor an General Motors Exec: Ask Me How!” t-shirt to wear proudly.

Your Name: _______________________ Telephone
Number:_______________________
Account Number: __________________ Exp. Date:_____
[ ]MasterCard [ ]Visa
[ ]American Express [ ]Discover
Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to “The Invisible Hand” or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, email or third parties. Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

Adult Resignation

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I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

  • I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
  • I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
  • I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
  • I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
  • I want to return to a time when life was simple.
  • All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
  • I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
  • I want to believe that anything is possible.

So….here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! You’re it.”

A Duel

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A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

Achtung!

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Alles touristen und non-technishen looken peepers! Das machine is nicht fur der fingerpoken und mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und popencorken mit spitzen sparken. Das machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur gerwerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottenpiken hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.

‘Twas the Night Before Ramadan

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by Mullah Mohammed Omar

‘Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave
Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
The turbans were hung by the fire pit with care,
In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.

The soldiers were restless without any beds,
While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.
Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter’s nap.

When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.
Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.

The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
When, what to my one good eye should appear,
But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear.

And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names.

“Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
We come for you now; we’ve taken Kabul!
To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!”

As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky.
So up to the ledge his forces they flew
With full magazines, and flamethrowers, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
Osama was there, disguised in a gown.

He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
And he said he would flee while I held off his foes.
A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
He said “I’m going to Baghdad and I’m not looking back!”

His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear,
The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.

I watched with cold fear as his body did slump,
The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
About to suffer a fate I could not avoid.

I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
His voice boomed in my ears, “You ignorant whelp!
I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
But you were too arrogant to understand.

“I told you to honor your neighbors and wives,
Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
But you are the last thing that this world needs.

“And so, I’ll send you and bin Laden to Hell.”
The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
“One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!”