Instructions: Measure patient’s response to these statements:
- I salivate at the sight of mittens.
- My father was a good woman.
- My sex life is A-OK.
- I believe in afterbirth.
- I often lie to make myself obnoxious.
- I prefer spiders to lima beans.
- Chiclets make me sweat.
- Often, I think I am a special agent of Billy Graham.
- I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
- Sometimes I feel I am persecuting somebody.
- Policemen love me.
- I have never been able to put a bagel into overdrive.
- Boredom excites me.
- My mother was Erik the Red.
- Eggplants make me blush.
- Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
- Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
- I believe I smell as good as most people.
- Halitosis is part of my style.
- I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
- I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
- I have taken shoe polish to excess.
- God rarely answers my letters.
- As a child I often suffered from bubonic plague.
- I always cut my hair with an emery board.
- Sitting in the glove compartment makes me claustrophobic.
- My nose has suddenly gone blank.
- It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a room full of cockroaches.
- Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.
- I am afraid of finding myself in a drawer or some other compromising place.
- I am not threatened by people who want to put my tongue in a paper punch.
- I am tired of being elected President.
- I believe in Cincinnati.
- My parents always faced catastrophes with a song.
- I think oatmeal is erotic.
- I have an uncontrollable urge to fondle other people’s teeth.
- My tonsils frequently come when I whistle.
- I am piqued when I find a rhinoceros in my bed.
- The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Sometimes I believe someone is trying to take over my stomach.
- I believe there is a plot to make me happy.
- When I look down from a high place I want to spit.
- I am often bothered by thoughts of sex while having intercourse.
- Most of the time I go to sleep without saying “good-bye.”
by Neil Zawacki
Well, I’ve decided to write a personality quiz to help people determine what kind of person they are. This was inspired by the old ‘The Far Side’ cartoon about the four different personality types:
- The glass is half full!
- The glass is half empty.
- Half full! No, half empty! Wait, what was the question again?
- Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!
So grab a #2 pencil and piece of paper and get ready for…
The All-New All-True Absolutely Foolproof People Personality Test
- When walking through a door, do you…
a. Open the door, hold it open for the next person, and then walk right on through.
b. Open the door and walk right on through, ignoring whoever’s behind you.
c. Open the door, hold it open, wait for everybody nearby to walk on through, look around for anyone else, neatly close the door behind.
d. Slam your hand on the wheelchair symbol to make the door open automatically, watching it smash the face of an oncoming person as you walk on through.
- You decide to take the night off and go to a movie. What do you see?
a. A comedy, maybe sci-fi or horror.
b Dramas. Don’t forget the kleenex-box.
c.I’ll see anything with Pauley Shore! I must have seen ‘Bio-Dome’ twenty-three times!
d. John Woo flicks.
- When getting up in the morning, do you…
a. Wake up right at 7:00 A.M. and sing merrily in the shower!
b. Look at the time, hit the snooze alarm, roll over, and then get kicked out of bed by your mate.
c. Get up, fall asleep in the shower, go to breakfast, fall face-first into your cereal, go outside, fall asleep in your car, drive to work/school, snore loudly.
d. Wonder whose house you’re at and how you came to be wearing that sailor suit.
- What is your favorite color?
c. Why pink, of course, it’s the same color as my house!
d. Black. All of my clothes are black. My hair is dyed black. I wear black lipstick and listen to The Cure all day. Death is my favorite character from Sandman.
- You’re going to the Zoo. What do you visit?
a. Lions, tigers, giraffes, that sort of thing.
b. The reptile house to see if maybe they’ll let me hold the snakes.
c. To the monkeys and apes so I can gain information to disprove those awful Darwinists! I also have a Jesus Fish on my car.
d. Back to my cage to see if any of my stuff is still there. I say hi to the new tenants.
- It’s dinner time and you’re hungry. What do you eat?
a. A hamburger, fries, maybe a soda.
b. A nice lobster or steak dinner, some salad.
c. A Spamwich between two rice cakes, and some plain yogurt for flavor. Mmm-mmm good!
d. Well, first I have the Hunt. I don an antler helmet and strip down to a loincloth, and then gather my friends and release an animal in the house. We then proceed to chase it with spears and high-powered rifles, eventually cornering it and gutting it in little Timmy’s room. We then stick its head on a pig-pole and dance around the room wildly singing war chants.
- What is your political affiliation?
c. I, uh, think that Perot is really great, and, uh, has a real chance to win this year! Yeah! Really!
d. I agree with Lyndon H. LaRouche Jr.’s policy to shoot Jane Fonda with a laser beam from space.
- What section of the newspaper do you read first?
a. The comics or sports page.
b. The front page. News is important.
c. I don’t read the newspaper, cuz I get all the information I need from Oprah and Ricki.
d. The obituaries. I like to make sure I’m not listed.
- You look outside and discover today’s your favorite weather. Is it…
a. A nice warm day, not to hot, perfect for outdoor activity.
b. A dark wet rainstorm, great for atmosphere.
c. Why, I LO-OVE the sun and HA-ATE the rain. It’s so nasty and gloomy, and Mr. Sun allows me to go to the beach and sunbathe in my 3-sizes-too-small bikini! Tee-hee!
d. Tornados, lightning storms, and earthquakes where giant cracks open in the ground.
- You’re going to a concert. What do you choose?
a. Some rock or rap group. Creed.
b. Light rock, like Maria Carey.
c. Why, Top 40 of course! Taylor Swift is the greatest thing since breakfast cereal!
- What was your response to the O.J. verdict?
a. Anger! He was clearly guilty, damn it!
b. Well, the jury heard the evidence and acquitted him, so what can you do?
c. I sure hope he finds the real killers.
d. Well, the thing is, O.J. actually IS innocent. What do you mean, how do I know? Uh, no reason.
- What is your Purity Test score?
a. 90-75. It was funny.
b. 75-50. I’m hoping to lower it real soon.
c. My what?
d. I use the locale and group relations sections to come up with new ideas and things to try. Why? What was your score?
- You wake up on the thirteenth and fall out of bed, smashing a mirror. You spill salt on yourself at breakfast, and as you walk out the door a black cat crosses your path. You enter into work walking under a ladder, causing the guy on it to fall off. As you make your way through the hallways everyone
seems to look at you with sadness or averts their gaze. When you reach your desk you find a note pinned to it saying your boss wants to see you. Do you…
a. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.
b. Go on in and get fired.
c. Walk in and say ‘Hi, Dad!’
d. Wonder how you suddenly came to work in an office when you’ve been spending the last five years on a mountain in Tibet worshipping a yak named ‘ANZEL’.
- You’re in a movie theater slurping away on an extra-large soda, munching on artificially-flavored popcorn when you suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Do you…
a. Get up and move to the bathroom as quickly you can.
b. Hold it in.
c. Hold it in for as long as you can, pressing your knees together, finally getting up at the most dramatic moment of the movie to clamber past annoyed movie-goers, stepping on toes, finally reaching the bathroom and then not have to go anymore.
d. What do you think those popcorn buckets are for?
- They want to make English the national language of the United States. What’s your opinion?
a. It’s unfair to immigrants and it’s good when we’re exposed to other cultures.
b. I guess it’s O.K. I really don’t see it as that big of an issue.
c. Well, by golly, it’s gosh-durn time! All then damn foreigners have been corrupting our youths with their twisted ways, and it’s about time we did something! If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
d. They are fools all. The national language of the country should be Esperanto.
- Your mate comes to you and announces they have been confused lately and no longer love you and from now on can only be with members of their own sex. Do you…
a. Plead with them to reconsider.
b. Look shocked and break up immediately.
c. Say – ‘Well, if you want to live in a nunnery or monastery, I guess that’s your own thing.’
d. Ask what they have against hermaphrodites.
- A passerby glances at your bookcase and gets a look at the contents. What does he see?
a. The latest Stephen King novel, some Danielle Steele, maybe a Fox Trot collection.
b. Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, The Works of Shakespeare.
c. ‘The Wit and Wisdom of Rush Limbaugh’
d. Naked Lunch, The Illuminatus Trilogy, The Book of Lies
- You’re driving down the street at 50 MPH when the traffic light suddenly turns yellow. Do you…
a. Put the pedal to the metal and speed through.
b. Hit the brakes.
c. Start to go through, realize you’re not going to make it, slam on the brakes, screech to an agonizing halt, end up in the middle of the intersection (looking like a fool, I might add), meekly make your way past the rest with your tail between your legs.
d. Flip on your homemade infrared siren and make the light change to green.
- Where do you see yourself at age eighty?
a. Living with my spouse in a beautiful blue house with a white picket fence and a bunch of pink flamingos.
b. In a rest home using a walker or wheelchair.
c. Why, I’m going to live with my son and his wife and sleep between them in their bed every night!
d. A head in a jar as the twelfth victim of the ‘Reaver-Cleaver’.
- It’s the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and the horizon is encompassed in flames. Mutants walk the streets and black
ash and rubble cover all as the sky turns to red and the seas boil away. You’ve just seen your best friend torn to shreds and civilization as you know it is over. Do you…
a. Vow to someday rebuild society.
b. Double over in grief and despair and wait for a painful death.
c. Start a despotic government in which you are supreme ruler over a coalition of potato-farmers.
d. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You probably have a lot from each, but add up the letters you got the most of and check the column below. Also remember to check the individual notes for specific personality traits.
- MOSTLY A’s: You are possibly quite optimistic, decisive, outgoing, ordinary or forward. You believe that ‘he who hesitates is lost’, and are probably quite light-hearted.
- MOSTLY B’s: You are possibly very serious, pessimistic, careful, intelligent or quiet. A ‘look before you leap’ kind of person. You may get depressed often.
- MOSTLY C’s: You are stupid, boring, indecisive, a conformist, naive and extremely pathetic. You have absolutely no chance of succeeding in life, and frankly, deserve to be taken out and shot.
- MOSTLY D’s: You’re a frickin’ freak! You’re a complete deviant and weirdo! Welcome to the club! We hold meetings on Thursdays.
- Question #1:
D. Isn’t that fun?
- Question #2:
C. You sad, sad person.
D. Wasn’t ‘The Killer’ great?
- Question #3:
A. I hate you.
D. And why doesn’t the damn sailor suit fit?
- Question #4:
C. This was my neighbor across the street.
D. Mine’s Dream.
- Question #5:
C. Do you sell any of those little religious comic books? (Somebody Goofed, Dank Dungeons, etc.)
D. Hope you’re house-broken.
- Question #6:
D. Is Piggy there? He’s got the conch!
- Question #7:
C. I’m in! No, I’m out! No…
D. Really? Me too.
- Question #8:
C. Don’t forget Charles Perez.
D. You might want to check Time’s Milestones column.
- Question #9:
B. Ain’t it?
C. Why do you emphasize certain words so much?
D. Try a trip to Beirut.
- Question #10:
D. Three extra points if you can recite the lyrics to ‘Satan Spawn’.
- Question #11:
D. Why don’t you sell your story to The Weekly World News?
- Question #12:
D. Call Me!
- Question #13:
D. Yes, and let’s not forget that ANZEL IS LOVE.
- Question #14:
C. Why do you come to every movie I go to?
D. Never sit next to me.
- Question #15:
C. Note the irony.
D. Like in The Stainless Steel Rat.
- Question #16:
C. Where they’ll live as one big happy family!
D. I see.
- Question #17:
C. Coming soon to a theater near you.
D. Don’t you love talking typewriters?
- Question #18:
C. This was my mother’s answer.
D. Really? Can you get me one?
- Question #19:
C. And they’ll love you for it!
D. I’m going to be number seven.
- Question #20:
C. Try Idaho. You’ll be great.
D. My deepest respects.
Well, there you have it, my all-new personality test! Written by respectable scientists! Supported by a bunch of Psychiatric Foundations whose names currently slip my memory. Nominated for three Peabody awards! And much, much more…
Do what this as you will, I just ask my name stays attached to it.
Copyright (c) 1996 by Neil Zawacki